28 March-3 April 2014 #700

More holy cows

Note: As a public service to the 550,000 students appearing for their SLC Exams this week, the ever-helpful Ass presents a sample answer for the English Compulsory Paper. Please credit this newspaper in the answer sheet otherwise students may be accused of plagiarism.

Q. Write an essay on a domesticated animal that you like the most. (25 marks)

A. The international animal I like mostly is Donkey. But domestic animal I like all most is our Cow. There are many holy cows in Nepal. One of them is our CIAA. The other is lying dead at the Tripureswor Roundabout because it ate 350 plastic bags. Kathmandu Metropolitan Council finally brought a big crane to remove it and dump it on the Bishnumati Vulture Party Palace.

This animal is mammal and full of many uses for mankind and womankind. Cow is giving curd for eating, and turd for burning. Every thing cow does is useful: cow urine is healthy drink for some prime ministers. Cow patty is full of antibiotics, and bull shit is a nice disinfectant. Under cow are four udders, which is its most useful component.

Because it is holy, cows are also good for worshipping. One day in year we put marigold necklace on cow and pray for her long life. Cows love to eat marigold necklace, it is their favourite snack. They like the strings attached.

In Guy Jatra, we like to make fun of all holy cows. It is very funny day in Nepal. Nothing is sacred to us on this day. We can poke fun at everyone and everything, we can even call our principal a Cow. Sometimes, we can make funny pictures about Prime Minister like drawing him in newspaper without any under wear, so you can see his private limited. In Rana days, Gai Jatra was allow because rulers want people to let off gas so pressure will not build up. Now-a-day, because of democrazy every day is becoming just like Gai Jatra. Hahaha.

Kathmandu street is made for cows, because their favorite food is to eat rubbish. They like newspapers mostly because newspapers contain a lot of garbage which is good for their digestive system. But not goody for cows is eating non-veg food, this is why in England many cows are very mad. It is Nepal’s good luck that cows here are strictly vegetarian and eat only plastic bags, so no cows mad here.

Another useful thing for cows to do is to become traffic islands. Cows in Kathmandu and Pokhara regulate traffic by sitting on middle of road and help traffic police by behaving like road divider. Without cow, traffic would be chaos. Kathmandu Metropolitan Council is employing many cows for this.

A boy cow is called Bull. He is very useful in our agro-culture society to pull hoe and for locomotion. Without bull, Tarai region will grind to halt. Nepalis like very much bullshit fuel? because we can make fire from cow backside. According to RSS news report, many Nepali bulls today migrating illegally to Bangladesh via India they are being bartered for water buffalos which are edible here.

P.S. Dear examiner, hope you like my English Cow essay. If you don’t pass me I will tell the Krantikari Union to beat up you.

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