More hemming and hawing
Ass
It now appears that reports of the demise of the Oligarchy were greatly exaggerated. Khadga Prasad Comrade is glued to his chair in Balu Water, and besides being the prime minister, is also a prime candidate for the honour of being anointed Nepal’s Clown Prince. He can survive any vote of overconfidence in parliament by putting together the most inclusive government in recent Nepali history — it includes everyone.
However, I agree with critics of the government who have serious misgivings about the size of our new jumbo jet cabinet. They are right: with 41 ministers, it’s just not large enough.
How will the Primate Minister ever be able to pipe laughing gas into every household if his cabinet is so seriously understaffed? How is he going to harness the hot air and turn it into eletricity? Who will shoot the breeze? For national construction, reconstruction and under-construction to happen on a warlike footing, we need an army of ministers, not the pathetic platoon we have now.
But we, mediapersons, would be seriously remiss in our whistle-blowing duties if we did not bring to the attention of higher-up authorities that we are as a nation running seriously short of ministerial portfolios. To the point where the gobarment is mulling rationing ministries to 15 hours per minister per day. Which is why as a last resort, the Commission on Commissions and Kickbacks must intervene decisively and instruct the PMO to set up new cabinet positions forthwith, without further ado, and no more hemming and hawing:
Ministry of Distortion and Extortion: This new ministry will counter anti-government propaganda and will be a one-window office for the incumbent ruling party’s fund-raising activities.
Ministry of Illegitimate Affairs: Since the country is in the grip of smugglers, we need to carve out this ministry from the Ministry of Home Affairs in order to facilitate a smooth supply of blackmarket diesel and create non-taxable liquidity from liquified petroleum gas.
Ministry of Adultery: With petrol, diesel and kerosene in short supply, this ministry will guarantee adequate distribution at all gas stations by mixing subsidised kerosene with petrol, and work in close coordination with the Ministry of Copulation and Labour.
Ministry of Home: This is the most coveted ministry mainly because the minister can work out of home, leaving his office for the Ministry of Misinformation and Telepathy.
Ministry of Horsing Around: As an Ass who worries day and night about the welfare of the country, it pains me to say that we don’t yet have a cabinet position dedicated solely to ensuring that there is enough fun and games for all citizens. Which is why I propose that the Ministry of Livestock be further subdivided into the Ministry of Animal Husbandry and Midwifery as well as the Ministry for Birds and Bees.
Ministry of Physical Therapy and No Works: This ministry together with the Department of Inertia, Sloth and Lethargy will address the serious epidemic of muscle atrophy in the bureaucracy due to prolonged period of inaction by requiring all ministers to burn a daily minimum number of calories with simple exercises involving stretching out the arm under the table.