26 Feb - 3 Mar 2016 #797

Mao chic

There is a sense of nostalgia among some that we as a nation couldn’t even blockade the country ourselves anymore, we needed the Indians to do it for us.

Even as we mark the 20th anniversary of the start of the Mau-Mau war and the 10th anniversary of its end next month, there is a sense of nostalgia among some that we as a nation couldn’t even blockade the country ourselves anymore, we needed the Indians to do it for us. 

Gone are the glory days when Kathmandu Valley would be under a Maoist siege for weeks on end. There were highway ambushes, skirmishes, petrol tankers blown up with landmines and nothing got through. This gave the citizens of the capital really good rehearsal in coping with shortages, which is why we were so well prepared for the Bharatiya blockade when it happened. We’d seen it all before. 

Speaking of which, it looks like the Indians have learnt well from our Baddies how to organise blockades. The agitators in Haryana who are blockading the Indian capital and the SSB which blockaded Nepal for five months just borrowed from Mao’s book on how to turn the screws. Which is why it is so painful for Nepali nationalists to witness the downfall of the once-fearsome ex-gorillas who fought ruthlessly for the liberation of we the people.

Today, Nepalis are forced to be underwhelmed by a feeling of nostalgia for the halcyon days when the end justified the means, when the Mao Buddies furthered the cause of the proletariat by purging the bourgeoisie and working for the downfall of running dog capitalists and their imperialist henchmen and henchwomen.

The comrades followed Mao by the book in those days, taking very seriously his famous dictum that “you can’t make an omelet without first counting the chickens before they are hatched”. No revolution can be brought to its logical conclusion without the sayings of the Great Helmsperson, which is why the comrades took very seriously other Mao diktats as follows:  

  • “A revolution is not a dinner party, it is an orgy”

  • “Political power flows out of double barrels of whiskey”

  • “War is politics with the bloodshed of the toiling masses”

  • “Let a hundred flowers bloom before we pluck them”

  • “The people are the sea, and revolutionaries are fishy”

  • “The party can’t advance without making mistakes, and we intend to make many more of them”

  • “All reactionaries are paper tigers with aphrodisiac properties”

  • “A thousand mile journey begins with the first national shutdown.”

Mao must be turning in his Maosoleum and shaking his head looking at how we have abandoned the Great Leap Forward into the Deep Abyss as his Nepali protégés walk away into the sunset. The Ass has just been perusing The Collected Works of Mao Zedong (4th Volume, Foreign Language Press, Peking, 1970, 155 pages) where the Great Helmsman reiterates the Three Main Rules of Discipline and the Eight Points for Attention. For anyone who wants to know when our own Baddies deviated from Mao’s straight and narrow, they just have to read this section (with Ass’ asides in brackets):

Instruction of the General Headquarters of the Chinese People’s Liberation Army October 10 ,1947

The Three Main Rules of Discipline are as follows:

1. Obey orders in all your actions (except when there are exceptions)

2. Don’t take a single needle from the masses (poke them with it in the haystack)

3. Turn in everything captured (you mean even these cool Nikes?)

The Eight Points for Attention are as follows:

1. Speak politely (yeah, sure, thank you)

2. Pay fair for what you buy (in kind?)

3. Return everything you borrow (don’t steal, just “borrow”)

4. Pay for anything you damage (yeah, whatever)

5. Don’t hit or swear at people (take that, you royal reactionary mongrel) 

6. Don’t damage crops (loot them)

7. Don’t take liberties with women (liberate ‘em)

8. Don’t ill treat captives (eliminate them)

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