The gubberment in its infinite wisdom decided to get tough against the Dash Baddies and retaliate against their 10-day bund with its own four-day nationwide shutdown. So, having just enjoyed Dasain, Tihar, Id, and Chhat festivals we can now go into a weeklong hibernation for the Erection Mela. At this rate, we will need another holiday just to get over these horridays. People are already stocking up on beer-seer, booze-sooze, and wine-swine so that they can be first past the roast. Look at it this way, the Baidya Jugend will be so drunk they won’t even be able to stand up straight and can’t go around making bus bonfires. If they are lucky they may even blow themselves up with their own pressure cookers.
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We may have sorted out the liquidity crisis for the coming week, but there is a deep sense of gloom and doom in the Tarai because the Indo-Nepal border is going to be sealed during the elections to prevent infiltration by dummy voters. Whoever made that daft decision doesn’t have the interests of the people in mind: how on earth are they going to survive without being able to smuggle stuff back and forth for a week? It will be disastrous for the Tarai economy.
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But as far as The Ass is concerned this week’s top news is not the preparation for elections. It is the revelation that Nepal Police is introducing state-of-the-art lie detector tests for the first time in the country. We suppose that these contraptions aren’t corrupt, unlike their human counterparts, otherwise who will be able to tell if the lie detectors are telling the truth?
The danger is that they may end up becoming like the vehicle emission testers which are so designed that they can be circumvented and diesel jalopies that belch like brick kilns can be certified in exchange for tea money, which the last we heard was in the order of Rs 5,000 or so. Or, we hope it’s not like the state-of-the-art breathalysers imported by the police for the mah-pah-say campaign against drunk drivers in which the analysers conked out within a few weeks. The manufacturer refused to replace them despite a warranty because the detectors were not made to be constantly assessing alcohol levels from the oral cavities of Kathmandu drivers that were off the charts.?
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The first ones to be put through the lie detector tests should be top leaders of the Four Party Junta who are candidates in elections next week. The Donkey is willing to wager a bale of the choicest barley fodder that all of them will pass the test with flying colours because they have all perfected the art of lying through their teeth without batting an eyelid, with a straight face, and without breaking into sweat. These western lie detector kits have not been designed for the superior ability of Nepal’s political leaders to be so convincingly economical with the truth.
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As election day nears, what The Ass is really glad about is that he can go into the polling booth, take the ballot paper, and stamp the swastika on the hammer and sickle. We must thank our lucky starts that we live in a land where we are allowed to label a Marxist-Leninst-Stalinist-Maoist party with what in certain cultures is a symbol of fascism. The embalmed Mr Tse Dung must be tossing and turning inside his mao-soleum.?
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The Americans have put out another Travel Advisory to cover their legal asses. ‘US citizens in Nepal are strongly urged to avoid demonstrations, political rallies, or large crowds during the election period,’ says the notice. If that caution was strictly followed, most of central DC and Wall Street would have been out of bounds for American citizens last year. The advisory goes on to say: ‘In addition, US citizens are advised to exercise caution during any travel taking place during a ‘bandh’. Most vehicular transportation is not permitted and confrontations between motorists and protesters could occur, especially at major intersections.’ Hello. Nepalis have been defying the bunds and you want your citizens to stay home? Good thing most Americans are smart enough to ignore it and go wherever they want to by pretending to be Canadians.
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The manifestos of all the parties promise utopia by next year, but the one that takes the cake is the Cash Baddies who want mandatory military training for all Nepali men and women above 18. Kid you not. Is Comrade Shock and Awe planning to invade India or what? That is seven million people multiplied by two lacks each and the total has so many zeros it is equal to the annual budget.