19-25 January 2018 #893



WARNING: This week’s Backside Column contains material that some readers may find offensive. Customers are advised to keep their air-sickness bags, which are located in the seat pocket in front of you, handy in case of an emetic emergency. Needless to add: management will not be responsible for any toward or untoward incidents.

Now that we have those legal niceties out of the way we can get right down to using all the offensive terminology we want without fear of being sued in a court of law. The US president made headlines all over the world last week by putting Nepal on his brownlist of Shithole countries. Nepalis were understandably outraged: how dare the president of the most powerful country in the universe  unilaterally declare us only a Shithole when we know it for a fact that Nepal is actually a vast cesspool?

President Trump was being diplomatic by using the word Shithole figuratively, whereas we who live here know that Kathmandoo-doo is literally an open sewer. And ever since the gobarment declared Nepal an Open Defecation-free Federal Republic, the whole country has turned into a latrine. We therefore take strong umbrage with Donald Uncle pooh-poohing our poo and underplaying our excrements. The Goo-verment has left no stone overturned to ensure that Nepal retains its status on the US Shitlist by taking the following steps:

Renaming Kathmandu airport Shithole Incontinental Aerodrome, befitting the facility’s commendable efforts in letting the potty go to pot so that passengers get a whiff of what is to come as soon as they arrive, and are left with a lasting olfactory memory of Kathmandu before flying out. 

Why spend all that money diverting sewage in the Bagmati Stinkbomb to a treatment plant? Just let the sacred river transport holy shit as it flows past our temples. 

Under its ‘Once is Not Enough’ campaign the Tourism Hoard has thoughtfully ensured that visitors with the runs can answer calls from nature by ducking behind historic monuments to take a dump as many times as they want provided they have paid their Durbar Square Ticket (Rs1,000 for foreigners, Rs250 for fellow-Shark Countries, and free for domestics).

Nepal will strive to remain a Dunghole as our rulers ensure shitty government befitting our Turd World status.

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