Despite the fact that Nepal was never under the colonial yolk and is
frequently visited by natural calamities, it is heartening to note that our Great Leaders are constantly thinking about our welfare and trying to find ways to address our urgent day-to-day concerns about God Almighty.
Going by the number of column inches that have been devoted to the Omniscient Being in the past month, the number of tyres that have been burnt to terrorise people in 12 districts so they stop work and demand that Nepal be holier-than-thou, or the amount of saffron that has been imported from
a certain large neighbouring country to the south which begins with the letter ‘I’, it is clear that we are the most god-fearing people on Earth. After all, Nepal’s human population is now approaching the total number of gods and goddesses in the Pantheon (33 million at last count) and given the rate at which we are procreating, is expected to overtake the population of Heaven in another 7.5 years.
Since God is now such an important player in Nepali politics, Nepali Times approached the Celestial Creator for an exclusive interview in order that He shed light on some of the relevant issues of the day like secularism, federalism and rheumatism. God was forthright and forthcoming, answering questions directly without beating around the burning bush.
Excerpts:
NT: Mr God, sir, how many of you are there actually? Some say you are one, while others believe you are member of a divine jumbo cabinet.
God: Well, there is just me, my Dad and the Holy Ghost at the moment. Sometimes, when I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me. But colleagues come and go in my office, so the number is not constant.
It must be very stressful administering paradise. Is this why you have let Nepal go down the tubes ever since it became secular?
Yes, and no. It is true that on any given day, I have to use my directly-elected executive powers to straighten things out not just in your universe, but in parallel universes as well. I am aware that things are drifting a bit in Nepal, and I have sent instructions to my emissary there, Shri Pashupati Nath, to do whatever he deems fit in the new constitution to make Nepal holy again. Just because
@brb_laldhwoj doesn’t believe I exist doesn’t mean I don’t. Oh, that’s a great line, let me tweet it.
Is it true that those who support secularism will not go to Heaven when they die?
Totally off the record, yes. But I can’t say that in public because, as God, I am supposed to love atheists as much as I love revanchists. But we have a full list of CA members who voted for secularism, and we will be barring them from the Pearly Gates when they breathe their last, or when they kick the bucket, whichever comes first. However, we will give them time to repent in a half-way house in purgatory until they see the divine light and admit that they have been misled by the damn commies, in which case we will give them a work permit to clean toilets at Heaven’s Door. If they continue to renounce Me, they will burn in Hellfire for eternity.
Throughout the ages mankind has asked that if God is as compassionate as He makes himself out to be, how come He allows so much suffering in the temporal realm?
OMG, I was wondering when you’d ask me that because, even as Yahweh, I have no idea. ROFL.
And on a slightly personal note, are you a man or a woman, or both?
That is an insensitive sexist question. You’re a Badmass.
Read also:
Federalism, republicanism and secularism, Anurag Acharya
Faith in the future, Om Astha Rai
Pro-Hindu activists call strike
Separation of state and temple, Editorial
Secularism in a diverse state, Prashant Jha