Those of you who think that Nepal’s politicians have made a mess of things and that there is no hope for this country -- you are wrong. What you don’t know is that our rulers are a god-fearing bunch and they have a special hotline to the Almighty who advises them on important matters of state. In fact, those who oppose this government’s recent decisions are all godless atheists and disciples of the Devil.
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Chairman Sri Sri Sri Prachandacharya set the tone soon after he was elected PM in 2008 when he propitiated the gods by publicly worshipping Yamaraj’s vehicle, the water buffalo. In a departure from his predecessor, Sri Sri Sri Sri Sri Gyanendra, PKD did not decapitate the animal. Comrade Awesome must have had a hunch that if sacrificing five species of livestock, domestic fowl and household rodent in a Tantrick ritual couldn’t save the monarchy, he needed a different modus operandi to protect the First Republic.
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It is understandable that Nepal’s secular rulers think they are gods because most are named after Him. Take Comrade Bum Dev, the terrible infant of the current cabinet who thinks he is God’s left hand man, just because that is what his name means. His Holiness the Tourism Minister must have realised that sacrificing black goats and sprinkling their blood over the nose landing gears of Twin Otters has not saved them from mishaps over the past three decades, which must be why he ordered a strictly vegan welcome for the new Chinese MA60 plane in Kathmandu this week.
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Our theocrats aren’t worried because their High Level Political Mechanism can refer any pending matters to an Even Higher-up Authority in Heaven and take guidance from Him. According to our special correspondent at the Pearly Gates, the workload there has expanded so much that God has had to set up a Special Task Force of Researchers and Analyeasts to deal exclusively with Nepal and doubled the number of His Handlers down here. Even so, from time to time the entire Mechanism has to go to the Kumbha Mela in Chhatara for a direct briefing with the Omniscient Being, or troop off for a meeting with God’s roving ambassador, Swami Kamalnayanacharya and other visiting Godmen in Pashupati. It must have suddenly dawned on those who killed, tortured and pillaged that even if they get temporal amnesty for past sins, they will still be sent to Purgatory. Unless they bribe the Gods.
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Even Dash leader, Commiesar CP Gajurel, has been dashing about touring holy sites around the country after sacking his Dalit driver, because he was an untouchable. (That last bit is true, swear to God.) His hopes about a future for the Dash must have got dashed because the Group of 99 fought pitched battles last week in Kirtipore, throwing chairs and desks at a rival faction. Good thing we took away their guns otherwise there would have been a bloodbath between Comrade Cloudburst and Comrade Big Plop.
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It may appear to the casual outside observer that the government is stuck, because constitution writing is still in limbo, 26 new CA members have yet to be appointed and the new Minister for Vodoo and Black Magic has still not been named. Nothing could be further from the truth. Insider sources tell us that hectic behind-the-scenes negotiations are going on even as we speak. No, not within High Level Political Mechanism, but between the High Level Political Mechanism and God. A breakthrough is expected soon, God willing.
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God Himself is understandably worried about His status after Nepal declared itself an Atheist Federal Republic and whether He will still be allowed to rain thunderbolts down from heaven when he gets the urge. Through this column, we would like to reassure God on that score.
As a God-fearing people, we would like to retain Him and his Pantheon as a tourist attraction. So no need for Him to panic just yet.