There was a time not too long ago when every revolutionary worth his and/or her salt in this country strongly opposed the Miss Nepal pageant on ideological grounds, and tried to sabotage it with slogans and arsons.
They had a point. The contest was nothing but a patriarchal commodification and sexist objectification of women that reinforced traditional gender hierarchies within the homogenised global-Western neo-liberal value system of cultural imperialism, neo-colonialism and bourgeois pseudo-nationalism in a backdrop of antagonistic contradiction between hegemonic transformation from the status quo, habeus corpus to quid pro quo and, it goes without saying, it directly led ipso facto to ad nauseum.
Some of the arsonists who set fire to Miss Nepal billboards at the future CA ten years ago showed that they could shed the shackles of male domination and turn the pageant into a burning issue. Some of the firebrand activists could easily have qualified for, and perhaps even won, the Miss Opportunist, Miss Pyrotechnic or the Miss Dandruff titles.
But they didn’t let such temptations distract them from expressing in no uncertain terms their firm opposition to anyone daring to have gorgeous and stunning hair at a time when the country was sinking into a quagmire. The protestors had reason to be mad as hell: they never stood a chance to ever be crowned Miss Nepal. Because many of them were men.
Some of these same men were back at the Miss Nepal contest last week, sitting on the front row applauding winners in the Swimwear Competition which included the Udder and Hindsight Categories. The organisers had to include those rounds: how else could they confirm that all participants were in fact of the female persuasion? In this manner, through a process of natural selection, the girls finally made it to the pinnacle of evolution, which was the climactic moment of the make-or-break Most Photogenic Belly-button Contest.
What I want to know is how come the gals get to have all the fun? When are we going to have our own Speedo Round? When is someone going to judge us he-donkeys by our looks? Why isn’t anyone interested in the size and shape of our pectoral fins? Why can’t I enter my gluteus maximus in some competition and be crowned Mr Ass? It is a travesty that in this day and age, when all known genders are supposed to be equal, there is not yet a Mr Himalayan Hunk Pageant for us trophy hunters.
To prepare for the day when men will also have the equal opportunity to enter beauty pageants, yours truly is now taking weekly coaching lessons in conversational English since I have been told that it is the all-important Interview Round which determines who wins and who loses. The trick, apparently, is to practice the same answer no matter what the question.
For instance, if the question is: “What would you exchange your good looks for?” Your answer should be: “I will work for world peace.”
There will be questions deliberately designed to throw off contestants like: “Where was the Buddha born?” If you don’t know the answer, the best option is to impress the judges by saying: “Like the Buddha, I will work for world peace.”
Then the judges are sure to ask you: “What would you do if, god forbid, you were elected prime minister?” Your answer must be: “I would work for world peace.”
Now that we have beauty contests for men and women, for all the 123 known ethnic groups in this country, for tots, teens and married folks, the only beauty pageant we are missing is the one for newly born babies.
Which is why the Ass is proud to announce the holding of the Master and Miss Infant Nepal 2014 Contest. (Motto: “Catch ‘em young!”)
Rules: Only babies whose umbilical cords have already been cut are eligible. All babies must pass the elimination procedures, which include the Koochi-koochi-koo Round, Crawling-Around Round, Diaper Round, Breast-feeding Round, Drool Round and the Wee-wee and Poo-poo Rounds. Judges will evaluate participants on the basis of noise, poise, odour, motor functions and response to questions in the Interview Round about what they want to be when they grow up. Winning answer:
“I will work for world peace.”