29 March-4 April 2013 #649

Hit the head on the nail

Ass
OK, that’s enough. Khil Raj Sir, back to work. No more ribbon-cutting and inspecting industrial fairs, let’s get this show on the road. In fact, the Interim Chairman of the Interim Council under the Interim Constitution of this Interim Republic should instruct his Interim Cabinet to observe a strict moratorium on officiating, wearing billas, and asan grahans until the interim election is completed. And the only garland the ex’s are allowed to wear will be on the day that the polls are completed.

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The guys in town who are happiest at the prospect of early elections are the Police. The Tata pickups they got from India in 2008 have been run to the ground because there was no budget for maintenance. But not to worry, Delhi has come to the rescue and promised 400 more pickups for the coming elections. The cops can’t wait to get their hands on the new machines. The Europeans have also opened out their wallets and asked the Cabinet to come up with suggestions to fund election-related paraphernalia. If elections are to be held in June, the Election Commission’s wish-list would be:

**Umbrellas, millions of them

**Gumboots for voters

**Lifevests for Tarai booths

**Motorboats, hovercrafts

**Amphibious jeeps

**Leech repellents for booths up to 3,000m

**Snorkelling equipment

**Water-tight ballot boxes

**Swimsuits for election officials

Time we renamed this country again to move with the times. Henceforth we will be known as the Syndicated Democratic Federal Republic of Nepal. If it wasn’t for the cartels that fix prices for transportation, gas dealerships, petrol stations, banks, this country would grind to a halt. Even the politics is run by a syndicate of the Sri 4 Ko Sarkar who won’t let anyone else sit at the captain’s table.

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I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate, but the Interim Govt by virtue of the fact that it is made up of nominated ex-bureaucrats has inadvertently controlled corruption, nepotism, and Marxism. The number of people trying to get in through the gates of Singha Darbar to ask favours, give favours, or just chew the fat has gone down from 1,000 a day in the Baburam Grovelment to 200 a day after Khil Raj took over. Now that prospective muntris don’t have to fork out corrodes for pre-paid ministerships, there is no reason for them to recoup that moolah from kickbacks while in office.??

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Throughout the ages, Nepalis have been best known for our propensity to hit the head on the nail. Other countries export horsepower, we export manpower. Nepalis have been walking out on their country in droves even before records started being kept. Greater Nepal now stretches from Malaysia to Lebanon and wherever we go we seem to take our culture of tod-fod, mar-kat, hat-pat, coot-a-coot with us as we saw in Johore Bahru this week. Really living up to our reputation for being a martial race.

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Never a people content with resting on our laurels, we are now also excelling in germ warfare by taking our diseases to the far corners of the world. Our national disease, gastro-enteritis, is also called cholera in other parts of the world. And since we are immune to stomach upsets, Nepal’s UN Peacekeepers have become global experts in biological warfare and can challenge the world’s only remaining superpower. Nepal’s most recent germ attack was on the United States with multi-drug resistant tuberculosis. All was going swimmingly, but unfortunately the XDR mole got caught in Texas after crossing over illegally into the US and has now been quarantined. But not to worry, we are all walking arsenals of all kinds of lethal communicable diseases. Like foot-in-mouth, which in Nepal also afflicts humans.?

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