1-7 March 2013 #645

Hair today gone tomorrow

Ass
The Story of the Week isn’t, as many of you may suppose, to CJ or not to CJ. It is actually the breaking news that the ever-alert police at our one and only interdenominational airport nearly arrested Sri Sri Ravi Shankar because he had shoulder-length hair and may have been sporting a hidden ear-ring when he arrived in K-Town on Tuesday.

Kathmandu’s Finest have been notching up one success after another ever since they started enforcing the mandatory seatbelt rule on vehicles stuck in traffic jams and arresting anyone found endangering the health of passersby with second-hand smoke by lighting up a cigarette next to a truck belching thick black diesel smoke. The Top Cop believes in setting the right example himself and works on the principle that everyone is innocent even if proven guilty. Which is why he is often seen in the company of illustrious war criminals and sharing podia with gangsters who have warrants out for their arrest. Just to prove that they are on their toes and will leave no stone overturned in nabbing absconding miscreants they will also sometimes beat a dog to death in broad daylight as one did the other day, or shoot at a dog that strayed into the departure area parking lot as another vigilant security officer did last year.

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Under a new get-tough policy Police HQ has send out an order for a nationwide crackdown on people of the male persuasion wearing pony tails and ear-rings. Wimmin with long hair and nose rings, however, are for now exempted from this clampdown on anti-socialist elements. Kidnappers and school bus arsonists who have crew cuts are free to go about their daily business. If the Nepal Police had been present in LA during the Oscar ceremony this week, they’d have detained without trial half the nominees in the Best Editing in the Short Animated Film Category. So folks, if you need a free haircut contact the police hotline on 100. And we hear from unusually reliable sources that the next target of the police vigilance squad will be hardcore criminals who flout the law by piercing belly buttons, wearing tattoos on their butts, and dyeing their hair with henna.

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DIWAKAR CHETTRI
Don’t know what all the brouhaha is about Comrade Prakash sending premature condolences through FB on exaggerated reports of the demise of the ex-CP. The two share similar habits, both are estranged from their Daddies and living in exile. So when he heard the rumour on social media that Paras was no more, the Dear Leader commiserated and passed a snide aside. What’s wrong with that? And he was doing this from Moscow where he was being escorted by none other than Tovarisch Upadro. Funny, though, that Comrade Light closed his newest FB account yet again as soon as he realised his mistake.

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If Hizzoner the Sitting Chief Justice can be turned into a prime minister, then anything is possible in this country, even a return of the monarchy. Royalist parties are doing well in popularity ratings and the Maobaddies are cosying up to the Rajabaddies so it wouldn’t be a surprise if Comrade Napoleon decides to reinstate Farmer Jones in Naryanhiti. Gyan could become regent and they could skip a generation to put Hridayendra back on the throne. Good thing we haven’t changed the name of the airport and university, Birendra’s statue still stands on Darbar Marg, and the word ‘Royal’ can easily be painted on the planes. However, we can’t call him ‘Baby King’ anymore we’ll have to call him ‘Adolescent King’. But the young lad better start polishing up his spoken Nepali.

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