26 April-2 May 2013 #653

Going to the dogs

The Ass can’t figure out what the big deal is about PKD clocking up mileage points with his shuttle diplomacy. This is a time-honoured tradition of Nepali leaders to kowtow to the North and grovel to the South and The Awesome One is just upholding it. It doesn’t matter if they discussed golf, it is the photo-op that is important. Comrade Pukada has re-established himself as the Supremo in Nepali politics, not by fulfilling the expectations of the people, but by seen to be hobnobbing with neighbouring emperors.


But it was touch-or-go for a while. PKD wasn’t getting an invite from the Delhi Darbar and it was already time to head to the airport to catch his flight to Shenzhen. Would he or wouldn’t he get the green light from Delhi? Good thing Shri Prasad came visiting at the Lodging Part residence the morning of his departure for China with the itinerary for India. Otherwise, PKD would have been accused of going North first and made to suffer another five years in the dog house.


Speaking of dogs, this use of speciest language is uncalled for and unacceptable in these politically correct times. The Ass would like to remind folks not to hurt the feelings of fellow fauna with derogatory remarks.


Throughout the long history of Man’s relationship with the Animule Kingdom, he has been unfair to fellow creatures by barbecuing their body parts and eating their innards. Ever since their quadruped ancestors climbed down from the acacia trees in the Rift Valley, shed their prehensile tails, and started riding around in mopeds, they have treated animals abominably. Aside from the physical cruelty they inflict by grinding animals into paste so you can’t tell which is horse and which is not, Man has also treated us animals with psychological torture. Just look at how they use names of animals in everyday conversation by attaching negative attributes to them.


In referring to the dirty politics of the Big Four as a ‘snake pit’ think of what an insult it is to snakes. Similarly, by describing the preparations for the next elections as moving at a ‘snail’s pace’, we underestimate and belittle the velocity of snail locomotion. And we show a singular lack of sensitivity to the feelings of our canine and equine friends when we “wolf” down “hors d’oeuvres”.


But as an animal myself and a species that has reached the pinnacle of evolution, the Ass would like to remind humans to be less anthropocentric and more sensitive when referring to our four-legged and feathered friends in everyday conversation. In the beginning it will be difficult, after all we can’t break a habit that we have nurtured over thousands of years to call an unpopular rival the offspring of a female dog. But please try?


As a service to our valued readers we offer below an introductory guide to replacing speciest language with more politically correct formulations:

WRONG: The only fly in the ointment was that the High Level Political Mechanism treated the Interim Government of Techno-Cats as puppets.

CORRECT: Finally, towards the end of the cocktail reception, she mustered the courage to whisper that his fly was open.

WRONG: After observing the Chief Justice for a month, Nepalis realise that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

CORRECT: Kathmandu’s canines yowled in celebration when they were told that the country was going to the dogs again.

WRONG: It is quite acceptable for bureaucrats to be sycophants and lick the asses of their political bosses.?

CORRECT: He has been a visionary statesman for donkey’s years.

WRONG: The Finance Minister has kept a lion’s share of portfolios.

CORRECT: Leopards are generally satisfied with the location of their spots and don’t want to change them unless forced to do so at gunpoint.

WRONG: Reporters at the press conference behaved like vultures.

CORRECT: Famished vultures nibbled at the mortal remains of a deceased gnu like a pack of hacks at an airport press conference by PKD.

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