6-12 May 2016 #807

Fresh new faeces in government

Ass


In this day and age, it is impossible to verify every rumour so we don’t bother anymore. We will just go ahead and print them all, and let the chips fall where they may. That is the way the cookie crumbles, folks, you have no choice. 

For instance, rumour has it, that this is a newspaper of record. We break world records for gossip and hearsay, so it behooves us to respect the great faith and trust that you, our valued clients, have placed upon us for titillation and scandal.

We have it on good authority that readers these days also have short attention spans. Which means most of you have already stopped reading this influential column, and are now all on your smartphones watching the video of the wardrobe malfunction of a member of the British royal family. I can, therefore, write just about anything here on forth, and it won’t make an iota of difference to everyone in general and anyone in particular, because none of you Ass wholes are actually reading this. 

As if the world wasn’t depressing enough, we in the newspaper business are determined to make you more miserable by not allowing a single day to go by without news of regime change, corruption in high places, petrol pumps committing adultery, or loot and plunder by public officials. We thought it was bad enough when fake doctors got busted, now there are engineers with counterfeit certificates, and this week they caught (kid you not) a fake co-pilot. Good thing we donkeys don’t need certificates to write asinine columns like these otherwise we’d have to fake them too. 

So, lucky for you, there is still one newspaper that brings us glad tidings, items of holesome news that are uplifting, inspiring and tell tales of the triumph of the human spirit. But it just folded due to lack of content material. To make up for that, here is some good news of the week:

This Government Useless: Govt

With its days numbered, the government this week came under blistering attack from itself in parliament. Senior ministers expressed dissatisfaction with their own performance, and said they no longer had the right to stay on in power. “This government is useless,” said the government spokesman Wednesday, “we demand that it should step down forthwith.”

The criticism comes amidst growing calls from within the UML-Maoist coalition for it to be dismantled to make way for a new NC-Maoist coalition for no other reason than to make things more interesting. In answer to a question about whether or not there was any point in regime change at this point in time, the spokesman replied: “That is not the point. It was getting really boring seeing the same old faces every day, so we have decided to bring fresh new faeces.”

Premier K P Oli also said it will be a relief to be relieved of his duties. He said he was glad there was an appropriately-named Prime Minister’s Relief Fund which he could clean out before he left office to subsidise his retirement. “It has been a self-fulfilling tenure,” he said, emitting a loud burp.

More Goodies from Qatar

The Government of Qatar has said it hopes that its gift of nine Mercedes Benzes to Nepal this week will help in earthquake reconstruction, and lift more Nepalis out of poverty. “Every small step counts,” it said in a communique.

Taking possession of the keys to the brand new limos, Foreign Minister Kamal Thapa thanked the Sheikhdom for the thoughtful gift and said he hoped the cars would assist in raising Nepal out of the under-developed country category by adding to our Gross Domestic Product. He also expressed the hope that there were more goodies for us in the pipeline. “It would be great if we could also get the gas to run the Mercks,” Thapa said during the handing-over ceremony.

The Delhi Runs

Serial prime minister Brave Lion Deuba has once more proven that talk of regime change in Kathmandu starts soon after Nepal’s leaders return from pilgrimages to the Dilli Durbar.

After getting his nose-job, Deuba started making his move to dislodge the Oligarchy and dangled a carrot in front of Chairman Awesome whose reflex action was, predictably, to start salivating. 

Soon after, X-king-G also air-dashed for an overnight trip where he is reported to have laid out various options at the feet of the Big Bad Shah to rollback the republic. And following in his footsteps will be President Bhandari who is only going to India because she can’t go to Kunming unless she first goes to the Kumbh Mela in Ujjain.

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