Good thing E-Day has come and gone and as far as we know, no one voted for Pressure Cooker. When some political anal-yeasts described Kiran Kaka’s election disruption campaign as ‘suicidal’, they may not have meant it in the way it turned out for two ex-gorillas in Baneswor on Monday. They nearly ended up being martyrs on a fast track to the workers’ paradise as a pressure cooker they were transporting went off prematurely. Other party faithful from across the political spectrum endured broken limbs, third degree burns, fractured skulls, perforated abdomen, and dislocated hips, which is why we can proudly proclaim that this election has fulfilled the minimum threshold necessary to be declared a Fair and Lovely Category 5 Election. Wonder if observationists who were here last time also noticed that the number of voters in BRB’s constituencies this time is less than the number of votes he got in 2008.
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Nepal’s immigration people classify all foreigners entering Nepal as ‘tourists’ which is why our visitor numbers have been soaring as Kathmandu becomes the workshop and seminar hub of South Asia. But with 70,000 election observers fanning out across the country, some of them farangs, Nepal now has the highest per capita number of election observatories compared to any of the other countries having elections now, viz: Chile, Maldives, and Delhi. This year, there was so much observation going on that it boosted the tourism industry, keeping hotels packed and domestic airlines busy. In fact, the inflow from election observers more than compensated for the last minute cancellations by tour groups because of fears of violence. Nepal’s tourist arrival figures will see a spike in 2013 and we may even hit the magic 1 million mark in 2014 if we can squeeze in local elections.
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No single nation on earth can beat Nepalis in acronyms and some of them belong to the nearly 6,000 domestic non-gubbernatorial organisations involved in the act of observing election observers. As is customary in Nepal, even the election monitoring group NEOC has bifurcated into Revolutionary and Non-revolutionary factions. Then there is DEAN and NEMA, which are fairly wholesome acronyms compared with the more x-rated orgs like INSECT, HERPES, FUCKOFUN, FEDUP, and even NASTI.
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Nepal’s election exercise has been met with overwhelming support from friendly countries around the world. While the Indians donated 180 jeeps and pickups as well as loaned us two ALH choppers, the Chinese gave us paper clips, erasers, and mouse pads. Many of you on Tuesday must have noticed inside the voting booths the multifunction pads came from the Tiang Xian company of the People’s Republic of China which has even thoughtfully left its email address attached to the pad (
[email protected]) just in case we need to hold another election soon. The Koreans sent a planeload of indelible ink which doesn’t seem to have deterred some polling centre officials from adulterating them with tap water.
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One suggestion to the EC for the next time round, please also spell out the names of the parties besides their symbols. Not everyone in Nepal is illiterate, you know. It wasn’t just the Ass who was flummoxed by the pink and blue ballot papers on Thursday which was a toss-up between Duck and Monkey. And now it can be disclosed in the strictest confidence and off the record that the Donkey voted for Monkey.
Just to be safe and in order to keep both sides happy, a lot of Nepalis voted for the extreme-left and the extreme-right so that politics will be a half-way compromise between dai and gai. It was cow in the PR and hammer and sickle in the FPTP. Some cash voters seemed so confused, one was overhead asking party mentors outside: “Do I put my stamp on hammer or sickle?” Interesting that while most other parties have to make do with symbols of domesticated wildlife and astronomical bodies, the Cash is the only party whose election symbol is the same as its party logo. Remember, they threatened to boycott elections in 2008 unless they got hammer and sickle as the election symbol?
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Cow boy Kamal Thapa seems to have finally realised that being for both Hindu state and restoration of monarchy may have just cost him a better showing that he got.
Jettisoning monarchy from his manifesto would have made him even more popular, but give him credit for sticking to his principles and calling for Sri Ek Maharajadhiraj to be reinstated on the throne when he knew full well how this would bomb at the box office.
The Ass