Transcripts recently declassified under the Freedom of Information Act finally give us a historical perspective on the first ascent of Mt Neverest 60 years ago and lay to rest the big question of who got to the top first: Hillary or Tenzing.
It is well documented that after he came down from the mountain, Ed Hillary told George Lowe: “Well, George, we knocked the bastard off.” Sir Ed sure swore like a sailor, but what is less well known is that the Royal Geographical Society has a transcript of his conversation with Tenzing as the two approached the summit on 29 May 1953. The following content is rated ‘R’, parental discretion is advised and we will request all unaccompanied minors at this point to run along outside and play on the swing for the duration of this column:
TENZING: (Muffled, through oxygen mask) Sir, wake up sir. Tea ready.?
HILLARY: Black, no sugar. Let’s knock the virginity off this @*#$% mountain first.
TENZING: Here we are at the Grade Six bit of vertical rock on the South Ridge, sah’b, we’ll need to rope up and I’ll cut some steps. Can we name this the Tenzing Step?
HILLARY: Sorry, man, I hereby name this bugger the Hillary Step after myself.
TENZING: Oh. OK.
HILLARY: Here we are at the South Summit, Tenzing, why don’t you rustle up some rum and coke while I try to establish the highest ever urinal in human history…that is if I can open my %$%#@ zipper.
TENZING: I’d check the wind direction first if I were you. Oops, too late.?
HILLARY: Billions of blistering barnacles! The $%$#@ it freezes solid as soon as it comes out, I’ll have to keep breaking off the yellow icicles as I relieve myself over the Tibetan Plateau.
TENZING: You realise, don’t you sir, that we are making history here??
HILLARY: Yup, 60 years from now I’ll be on a New Zealand $5 note and on the cover of the %$#+& National Geographic. You go on ahead, Tenzing. I’ll take a little nap right here.
TENZING: No, no, it’s getting late, we’re nearly there, sah’b. Here, let me carry you.
(Tenzing heaves Hillary on his shoulders, stands on the summit of Mt Everest, see pic right.)
This secret transcript clearly proves that while Tenzing was indeed first to set foot on top, Hillary by virtue of being on his shoulder actually reached a higher altitude above mean sea level. The two were wildly feted as they came off the mountain. Hillary kept on muttering something about knocking the sonofabitch off, while the Nepali government commissioned Dharma Raj Thapa to compose a famous folk song which goes: “Our famous Tenzing Sherpa, got to the top, carrying that weakling Hillary on his shoulder.”
Slight problem: Tenzing promptly decided he was an Indian national after all. It took Kathmandu 50 years to finally overcome bureaucratic hurdles to award honorary Nepali citizenship to Hillary in honour of his ability to swear like a native. Sir Ed had all the rights and privileges of a Nepali citizen which meant he had to apply in New Delhi for an Australian visa. But at least he could fly to Lukla for one-third the tourist fare.