That must be some kind of a world record for a visiting Minister of a neighbouring country to meet an astounding total of 36 politicians in 7 hours, not counting lunch break. Nepali politicians seem to have taken the Nepal Tourism Board’s motto “Guest is God” a bit too literally and trooped off to the Dwarka to pay their respects. But the real reason why there was a near stampede of Nepali politicians at the Street of 32 Butterflies, it has now emerged, is that they all thought they were meeting Salman Khan.
***
Besides maintaining its position of being the most corrupted country in South Asia, Nepal has belatedly also been recognised in the Guinness Book as having the highest per capita number of political parties this side of the Sewage Canal. And although both feats deserve much self-congratulation, the large number of parties has unintended side-effects. For instance, even electronic voting machines from India do not have enough buttons for them to be any use here in November. And because we use party symbols so people can cast their ballots in sign language, the Erection Commission has simply run out of symbols.
***
Since the most popular symbols like sun, moon, tree, hammer and sickle have all been taken, the commission has decided to take advantage of Nepal’s biodiversity and put the country’s flora and fauna to good use. For instance, to the list of election symbols which already includes cow, goat, and yak it has added: scorpion, yeti, vulture, porcupine, gecko, tadpole, earthworm, and (the Donkey is pleased to announce) a jack ass.
***
But methinks there are other easily-recognised everyday items that could still be employed as election symbols and there is sure to be a real scramble to get these. For instance, since the hammer and sickle is now such a discredited election symbol, the party in question could replace it with handcuffs. And the disgruntled faction can have the grenade.
***
The election commissioners should also think about using symbols to serve a dual purpose, for instance, giving the Family Party the election symbol of a condom would not only be appropriate to set that party apart from others, but also simultaneously spread awareness among the electorate about contraception.
***
And as the campaign to declare the whole country open defecation-free gathers pace, the forthcoming election could be the perfect opportunity to de-stigmatise the squat latrine and assist in the gubberment’s campaign of Toilets for All by 2017.
***
Speaking of earthworms, wonder what’s going to happen to all the kickbacks the previous gobblement collected on various airport deals, plane purchases, and hydropower contracts. Will the contracting parties have to cough up the moolah to new incumbents all over again? No wonder we keep being numero uno in the Transparency International Top Ten every year. Political party leaders again scored the highest marks in the 2013 Kleptocrat Index, which was surprising because given the vast experience the new functionary at the CIAA has amassed over the years, one would have thought it would be the anti-corruption watchdog that would be most corrupt. Good thing we bribed the guys at TI to show that the media is the least corrupt institution in Nepal.
***
The real problem about elections is that no one gives a rat’s ass (in a manner of speaking) about it. And that is because all the parties are too busy firefighting internal squabbles. The A-Baddies and the B-Baddies may be forced to reunite, but now there are splits within splits as Dash comrades disagree about whether to sit around a roundtable or to go back to war. The question on everyone’s mind is what happens if elections can’t be held in November? Will this partyless system of government continue, or will the High and Mighty Political Mechanism stage a coup and remove the Chief Minister?