21-27 June 2013 #661

Through the benefit of hindsight

Ass
During the conflict, the Baddies dug tunnels to prepare for an imminent Indian invasion. Now, the same comrades are backing a tunnel project to link Kathmandu to the plains. At the rate at which the rupee’s purchasing power is being eroded, by the time the tunnel is built, its Rs 3,000 toll for lorries will probably be a bargain. But promoters of the Kathmandu-Hetauda tunnel, who had galvanised support from the four-party syndicate, see the army’s track opening of the Bagmati Highway as a threat to their venture. Hence, unusually reliable sources tell us, they are trying their level best to put the fast track into a slow lane. Political wrangling over which highway should come first will probably mean neither will be built during this century.

***


The Censor Board has allowed steamy bedroom scenes to go through in new Nepali movies, but asked the makers of Uma to take out references to “Comrade Prachanda”. Why? Is it a bad word? And it appears that Janajati journos don’t want to be known as “indigenous” anymore because the word sounds like they are of Indian origin. Is that why they changed the acronym of their group to ‘FONIJ’ (pronounced “phoneys”?).

***


Since no one has bothered to bring out full page ads in national broadsheets to congratulate the Ass on its nomination to be a life member of the American Biographical Institute, allow the Donkey to toot its own trumpet. Just how rare and momentous a recognition this is can be gleaned from the fact that only two other Nepalis in history (an ex-king and a multi-billionaire) have been thus honoured by the American Biographical Institute (Motto: ‘Send us a cheque for $1,000 plus $49 for courier charges and your certificate is in the mail’). It’s a peculiarly Nepali trait that we don’t like to see fellow-Nepalis being recognised and getting ahead, so it is only natural that the Ass’ peers should seethe with jealousy and not send congratulatory SMSs. But at the end of the day, comrades, the fact of the matter is that I was honoured by the American Biographical Institute and you guys weren’t. So, you can all go stuff it.?

***


More congratulations are in order. A business transaction the Ass has recently entered into with a Nigerian partner is going to make it both rich and famous. This is all in strictest confidence, so please keep this to yourself.

***


Dear Sir,

I hope this mail finds you in the pink of health. Unfortunately I can’t say that about myself. Ever since my uncle, Mr Sonny Abacha, died I have been running from pillar to post trying to extricate his vast fortune stashed away in his secret Swiss bank account. My family would like to access the money so we can donate it to earthquake victims in Iran. Unfortunately, my uncle’s account has been frozen and all the $890 million in it. I can only get it if I can name you Finance Manager of the Earthquake Relief Fund. Rest assured you will be adequately compensated, in fact you will get 30 per cent of the total sum for your troubles. All you have to do at the present time is deposit $100,000 in refundable earnest money in the bank account below.

Yours in deepest confidence,

Ms Abigail Abacha

***


It’s not every day that one gets a proposal to get rich quick while at the same time helping out in a humanitarian cause. After wiring the earnest money two months ago the Ass has been waiting patiently for further communication from Ms Abacha who has promised to get back as her lawyers complete the legal formalities.

LAST NOTICE AND REMINDER

Pursuant to the Foreign Exchange Act 2054 as well as the Registration of Businesses Decree 2061 and other laws of the Federal Democratic Republic of Nepal we, on behalf of our client (hereinafter known as ‘The Ass’), hereby notify Mrs Abigail Abacha (niece of Mr Sonny Abacha of Lagos, Nigeria) to return the $100,000 (One Hundred Thousand US Dollars and No Cents) our client transferred to her bank account in the Cayman Islands on 15 April, 2013 as earnest money in lieu of the $25 million in cash which, as per a verbal understanding with our client, was to have been handed over to The Ass in person by a courier.

***


This notice has been published because Ms Abigail Abacha has not responded to repeated emails and has evaded attempts to establish telephonic contact with her regarding the matter. Prompt reimbursement of the $100,000 would be much appreciated by our client, who would be eternally grateful if this matter could be discretely and amicably settled.

Bhattarai, Bhattarai & Bhattarai Barristers-at-law Kathmandu

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