My decision to quit the UCPN-M after two decades was not impulsive, it was to come to terms with my past. I made up my mind late at night, and my gaze turned to the book in my bedroom: Barrack Break. It reminded me of one of the darkest days in my life when the Nepal Army broke my hands and rendered me disabled because I refused to reveal the whereabouts of my comrade. I have no regrets about the path I chose. My parents tried to stop me, but I told them that if I die I will die to create a better world. I joined the war, but I now feel I joined the revolution at the wrong time. I had no expectations of personal gain from the war or the party. I never asked for any posts or appointments. In fact, some of my comrades recommended my name for a ticket in the previous CA elections, but I turned it down. However, I am deeply disappointed by Baburam Bhattarai and his cronies. Because I supported the Bhattarai faction during the intra-party feud, the establishment treated me badly. Friends supported him unrelentingly throughout the party struggle and he became prime minister as a result. But everything changed after Baburam entered Baluwatar. He forgot his roots.
When Bhattarai was PM, I was working as the editor of Janadesh Weekly. The paper was the mouthpiece of the UCPN (M) and Bhattarai was in charge of the party publication division. Since the paper was performing poorly, payments had not been paid for 16 months. So I went with fellow editor Man Rishi Dhital to Baluwatar. I requested Bhattarai to give me a job of a peon because it wasn’t possible to work in the paper any longer. Even when my eyes welled up, he looked at me with indifference and did not respond. Not able to bear his apathy any longer, I walked out.
Even though I have cut ties with the Maoist party, I will never renounce my communist ideals and will continue fighting for the cause. Communism is my belief. I will always be proud of the fact that I spent the most important years of my life as a soldier battling for social transformation.
I am no longer an active member, but my belief in the party remains unshaken. But in our parochial society, it is foolish to expect our political parties to show magnanimity. And I am fully aware that the Maoist party does not have a culture of treating ex-members amicably. We are considered rogues and made scapegoats with false accusations.
Pushpa Kamal Dahal and Mohan Baidya visited my house once. I have no complaints against them. Had I been in their camp, I would not have had to endure such a hard time within the party. Prachanda always treats his followers well, but I never went to him with my grievances.
In the time I spent with Bhattarai I have discovered that he is hypocritical and conceited. He talked big about an ideal state, but in reality only lined up his own pockets and set up an empire with his wife. Prachanda is better in this regards because he at least uses the money (notwithstanding how it was collected) for the party’s cause. But again I am not sure if that is only a façade.
Everyone knows that Nepal is one of the most corrupt nations in the world and as the biggest party in the country, a lot of corruption takes place under the careful watch of the UCPN (M). This is an open secret. New buildings have been constructed over night our leaders’ names, their children attend fancy private schools in the city, and their family budget is obscene.
However, as long as the Nepali people are comfortable with deceit, such politics will carry on. The UCPN(M) today is a party of looters. Nobody cares about honest people in there. If the CIAA were to investigate the leaders, 98 out of 100 would end up behind bars.
Since I talked and wrote about these issues I was excommunicated from the party for three to four years. Kaski district in-charge Jhalak Pani Tiwari even called me a ‘reactionary agent’ for calling out the party on its numerous malpractices. But if I was going to be humiliated in this manner for speaking the truth, I thought it would be better to completely break away after 20 years of giving my life to the party. So I, a defeated soldier, quit.
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