3-9 July 2015 #765

Cheating hearts

But remember not to let this affect how you see men, in general
Anjana Rajbhandary

Hello everyone,

In most extramarital cases, husbands stray while wives stay. It appears that most men feel having an extramarital affair does not endanger their marriage as they believe the affair is acceptable to their wives, since they are the providers. However, men tend to be less tolerant and forgiving when the wife has an extramarital affair. Cheating breaks a relationship and worse it permanently affects the child/ren who are caught up in between. How can someone grow up valuing love and marriage knowing their parents have cheated?

Please send me more questions to: askanjanaanything@nepalitimes.com or @AnjyRajy 

“I recently found out about my dad’s affair, although I had been suspecting it for awhile. Mum knows about it too. We think he might have a separate family with the other woman as well. My mum is in denial and doesn’t know what to do. I am also in dilemma since I don’t know if I should patch them up or tell my mother to file for a divorce. Part of me wishes things would resolve but I can’t stand my dad treating my mum and I like this. What should I do?”

AR: I am very sorry that you and your mother had to find out this unfortunate truth, and that this has been going on for a while. Personally, I don’t see any excuses for cheating: once you break someone’s trust, it’s done. It’s easy to say, let go and move on but in our society it is much harder for women to bounce back even when it is not their doing. The embarrassment of what people will say will probably haunt you, but remember this is your family issue and it is not society’s business. Your father is clearly very selfish as he did not think of your mother or you when he decided to cheat, and it is sadly impressive how he managed to hide it for so long. I actually feel sorry for him because he was not able to see what he has lost in this process, and it is your respect and trust.

I can understand the pros and cons of why you may want them back together or not, but in the end it is between your parents. I would suggest try to be supportive of your mother because right now, she needs you. Try to stay strong for yourself because it cannot be easy to see your main male role model fall from the pedestal, but remember not to let this affect how you see men in general. This will be hard for sometime but trust me, with time it will get easier and you will overcome this. It is okay to be upset and angry, but remember that there are good people out there who will appreciate and value you and will never do anything to hurt you, and that is something to always look forward to. Sadly, your father is not one of them and it is his loss. Stay strong for yourself and your mother, this too will pass. See a counsellor if needed. I will be thinking of you. Good Luck.

Anjana is a certified mental health rehabilitation technician and has four years of experience in adult mental health in Maine, USA.

Read also:

Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, Anjana Rajbhandary

Caring is the essence of nursing, Anjana Rajbhandary