25 Nov - 1 Dec 2016 #834

Equal treatment for all

Diwakar Chettri

Hold it right there. Where do you suppose you are going? You think you can just walk in here and start reading this column? Stand back, we need to frisk you first. Do you have a photo ID? What is your username? What is your password? Are you 18 year or older? Do you have security clearance to read this stuff? Here, fill out this form and bring it back duly rubber stamped by a public notary, we will take five working days to process your application and we will notify you by post.

Easy for you, isn’t it. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to produce this junk week in and week out? Anyway, here is my 15-point demand and if they are not met within two weeks, I will begin a decisive relay hunger strike, which means skipping afternoon snacks. And if my ultimatum is not honoured in letter and spirit, I will stop writing this column. And that’s a threat.

This is the land of jatras and we have the right to protest for and against anything, including the right to protest against protesters blocking streets. So, you hooligans, go forth and multiply and exercise your demographic rights with these bright new ideas:

1. Dacoits, crooks, highway robbers and revenue officials can organise a motorcycle rally demanding an immediate 20 percent increase in kickbacks, embezzlements, and bribes to keep up with inflation. “We haven’t had an increase in decades,” said one red-handed Cross-Section Officer. 

2. Taxi drivers will park their vehicles and block the main roads in the city by burning their spare tyres to demand the right to cheat passengers for another fiscal year.

3. Pre-emptively protest any plans the Trump Administration may be hatching to scrap the US Diversity Visa lottery. Carry placards with slogans including:  ‘The Green Card is a Basic Human Right’, ‘Long Live Imperialist Running Dogs’, or ‘Yankees, Go Home, And Take Us With You’.

4. The main partner in the ruling coalition can organise an anti-government rally with angry slogans like: ‘Down With Our Very own Government’, ‘Our Turn To Ruin the Country’, or ‘I am Disgruntled Also’

5. Nepal Electrocution Authority employees are about to launch a decisive nationwide movement to protest the end of load-shedding which has deprived them of a guaranteed side income for the past 20 years. Rallying cry: ‘Keep Nepal Dark, Raise Our Per Capita Income’

6. Rally of Ex-Ministers also demanding 5 million for international hospitalisation.  Only one slogan: “We Also Want Equal Treatment” 

7. Journalists’ March: News hounds and houndesses from all walks of life, including columnists and their fellow-communists, will walk to Parliament after brunch on Saturday for no particular reason. Said one scribe to this scribe: “It’s a slow news day and we were bored stiff.” The march was chaired by His Excellency Richie Dhamala. 

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