12-18 December 2014 #736

Botox in the buttocks

I wish us Asses were as concerned about maintaining our youthful good looks as human beings are. The quest for human perfection is as old as humanity itself. Ever since early cave-dwelling, mastodon-munching humans discovered that squeezing prehistoric blackheads was not just a delightful way for time pass under the winter sun, but also resulted in a glowing and unblemished skin tone, mankind has shown that as a species it likes to keep itself well-groomed.

And thank god for that. If humans of the male persuasion did not care about outward appearances, the advertising industry would not be able to flog facial creams for he-men and us in the media would go belly up. Which means men would still be wild, armpit-reeking hunter-gatherers, clad only in antelope hide Y-front undies, moving in large herds from home to orifice and back every day.

This is why, fast-forwarding to the present day, we are all excited about the fact that after its roaring success in the People’s Republic of China, the 100% Natural Botanical Bust Enhancement System is being introduced in Nepal for the first time to address the concerns of mammary-challenged commuters of voting age and above on whom gravity is taking its toll.

(We’ll be right back after these messages: “Sag No More! Call us for a free trial. No Pills. No Surgery. No Injections. No Side-effects. Seeing is Believing.”) There are already hundreds of happy customers, and we recently interviewed one of them for this program: “I was always dissatisfied with my chest, but after I tried 100% Botanical Bust Enhancement, I got great boobs. Even my wife thinks I look like Sylvester Stallone.”

And that is not all, the beauty industry is now aiming below the belt. A drug that was developed to reduce muscle spasms has been found to have anti-cellulite properties, and has just been given approval by Nepal’s Federal Hard Drugs Administration. (Advertorial: “Inject Botox onto your buttocks and get rid of ugly wrinkles fast.”) Elsewhere in this post-SAARC metropolis of ours, septuagenarian politicians got useful tips from President Rajapaksa and are all lining up for a nip and a tuck to augment their public persona.

So, you see, our leaders don’t have to wait anymore for evolution to give them a body they are proud to call their own. They don’t have to wait a million years to mutate into Alpha Males. With the new technologies at our disposal, we can take destiny into our own hands and metamorphose into anyone we would like to be.

Which brings us to some of the plastic surgery options now available in Nepal for indecisive decision-makers who want a total remake of their physical infrastructure:

  • Keep Up With the Arms Race. Two hands are not enough to efficiently carry out underhand deals. Install two extra arms to your thorax region so that you can rake in kickbacks faster. The government might change so time is of the essence. Extra fingers and greasy palms optional.

  • Tummy Augmentation. Tired of being kicked around by people who think you have integrity? Add bulk and fullness to your frame with a special Size 40 Silicon Tyre Implant in your abdomen. Be the envy of your peers, let your belly spill out of your belt. Give yourself that Prosperous Civil Servant Silhouette that is essential to be taken seriously, rise up the bureaucracy and perhaps even be inducted into the CIAA.

  • Give yourself teeth. With inflation, it is important to protect the value of your ill-gotten wealth. Invest in gold teeth, visit your friendly neighbourhood dentist today before the CIAA announces a ceiling on the number of gold-plated teeth an average household is allowed to possess: 26, of which 6 incisors, 4 canines, 6 pre-molars and 10 molars. We don’t yet know whether the Maoists have invested in gold teeth, but the RPP-N definitely wants its crown back.

  • Brain Enlargement. With new laser surgery it is now possible to expand the average cranium and graft brain tissue implants from donors. Money back guarantee if you aren’t visibly smarter in 30 days, and free blackhead removal for all public officials availing of this promo.

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