5-11 April 2013 #650

Fair and lovely polls

Ass
As per the Ass’ self-fulfilling prophecy, the blame game has started in earnest. The Regmi regimen thought it only had to worry about the Dash Baddies, now the Cash Baddies have also started blaming the CJ-led gubbermint for its inability to hold elections in June. Chairman Awesome is leading the charge because he has correctly gauged that his popularity is at an all-time low and he secretly wants the whole CJ enterprise to fail so he can come out smelling like roses and maybe even lead a new administration. After downing a few straight shots the other day, PKD was overheard telling folks over at the Paris Commune: “We agreed to Regmi only because he said he could hold elections by June. If he can’t fulfil that promise, he should step down.” The Technocats are convinced Comrade Ferocity is egging Kiran Kaka to sabotage polls, which proves what we had suspected all along: Cash and Dash Baddies are one and the same.

***


A bit of unsolicited advice to Regmi Sir. Stop inaugurating flower shows and handicraft symposia forthwith. We don’t want to see your mug on tv beating a madal at another Palpali Felicitation Program. We just want to hear you announce an election date, pass a full budget, and appoint justices and a CIAA chief who is not a crook. Oh yes, and tell your supporters no more advertisements in papers congratulating cabinet members from contractor friends of offsprings. We appreciate the effort to pump revenue into the Fourth Estate, but this rampant ass-licking is getting thoroughly embarrassing.

***


So the famous Mustang Max that BRB rode around in has been finally mothballed into a garage inside Singha Darbar with even the PMO peons refusing to ride it. Who would have thought that this once-famous First Vehicle would come to such an ignominious end to rust away into anonymous oblivion?

***


When people mention Jimmy Carter these days, everyone remembers his gaffe in 2008 when he declared the elections fair and lovely. But, guess what, he still thinks they were (except for some minor irregularities). Anyway, the real reason for Jimbo’s Second Coming to Kathmandu this week was to get official permission for his Centre which, it turns out, isn’t registered anywhere. Also to meet the entire cast of characters and tell them about the need to make the next elections free and fair. Um ... what elections?

***


Four years later, we finally find out the real truth behind the huge kerfuffle over the discovery of a concealed weapon in Jimmy Carter’s official car during his 2008 visit. It turns out the gun was planted by the US Secret Service in Carter’s official vehicle just to test the competence of Nepali security. Police sniffer dogs, namely Inspector Ganga and Inspector Jamuna, sniffed out the weapons in no time, and barked their heads off. As he left, Carter commended Nepal Police for their vigilance. He should have congratulated the dogs.

***


Now that he is no longer Peace Minister, Padrone Dhakal is preparing to use Moonie funds to buy his way into politics with his televangelist Family Party. The Unification Church has funded just about every political figure in this country with free trips, computers, and hard cash, so there isn’t anyone important in Nepal who isn’t beholden in one way or another to the late Sun Myung Moon. Hard to figure which is worse: a Nepali political party bankrolled by Reverend Moon, or one supported by Kim (‘Nuke You’) Jong-un.

***


Now we understand why the Dash Baddie Bund was postponed till Sunday the 7th. Comrade Pompa is the ex-member of the ex-CA from Lalitpur and the Jyapu Samaj ordered her not to spoil all the fun and games during the Mahotsav by declaring a strike smack in the middle of it all. She readily agreed. Finally, at long last, we have hit upon the ultimate antidote to bunds. Tell the organisers they won’t get votes in the next election.

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