BP's mind is on his trial and he, with Ganesh Man Singh, plan their defence. BP says that regardless of the outcome of the trial, he wants the document to be a testament for posterity of what he and his colleagues have been fighting for. But this energetic frame of mind soon disappears when BP acknowledges that he isn't doing too well physically, and that the prison authorities are doing their best to keep them totally cut off from the world-even a request for writing paper must go to the headquarters.
Sundarijal: I discussed with GM the line of defence in our case. I read out a portion of the defence arguments that I have prepared-it is not a defence of our case against the specific charges brought by the government against us-it is a formal statement of our line of action in pursuance of our political ideology and conviction. I am not satisfied with what I've already written, because I am not yet clear what line we have to adopt-whether it should be such a one which shouldn't totally kill the chances of possible dialogue with the King or we should go in for a categorical statement of our policy, line, and proposals regardless of the consequence of such a stand. GM doesn't seem to see the difference. He thinks that if the King is himself in need of a dialogue he will open it, whatever we may say in the court, and if he is not interested then any opening that we may leave in our statement for negotiation wouldn't be taken advantage of by him. I am not so convinced of his argument. After all a statement purporting to express an attitude of reconciliation or compromise or even at the minimum level hint towards a dialogue would definitely be differently worded than one that has no such intention. In any event the King is not going to open a dialogue with us, whatever we state before the court, then it is better that we should also state our political [ideology] as clearly-addressing it not to the King, but to the people in general. A soft statement in the present context is fruitful only when a corresponding response is expected from the other side. If that is not forthcoming, then a soft statement is worse than useless. It will definitely not be politic or in accordance with the revolutionary ethics. The palace is ominously silent and we are totally cut off from the outside world. We don't know what developments are taking place outside. Hence my dilemma as to the nature of the statement we have to make. Perhaps the government is very shrewdly acting in keeping us in total darkness about the developments that must be taking place subsequent to our arrival at Kathmandu.
7th February 1977
Sundarijal: Did some washing-bathed. It continues to be cold. Water continues to freeze. A barber was sent and GM had his hair cut. I cut my hair myself, hence I did not make use of his presence. There was some guessing as why the barber was sent to us without our asking for him. Why are they interested in our looking trim. Will somebody see us from home? Then GM remembers that his shoes have not been delivered to him, or his jacket, even his watch. Hence we dismiss the guess.
Got three days newspapers together-yesterday and day before being holidays they hadn't come. Yesterday was bida [holiday] some guruji had died day before. Chyanta Guruji perhaps. I knew him in 1st as one of the judges who tried me during Mohan S's time. [Mohan Sumshere, Rana prime minister at the time of the Nepal-India Friendship Treaty, during whose reign King Tribhuvan went into exile, and who first enthroned King Gyanendra. During this time, the Nepali Congress had stepped up its activities to overthrow the Rana oligarchy.] He was particularly nasty with me. Thereafter the revolution of 1950-51 he became friendly with me and wanted me to take his sons under my wing. Spent the afternoon reading the papers; took a nap of 20 minutes. Since yesterday I am perhaps just enough relaxed to get a midday sleep of 20 minutes. It used to be my practice, but since my detention this time I couldn't get a wink of sleep during the day time- because of high tension. The gradual resumption of this habit of siesta is a healthy indication of my mind.
Since I had some bleeding form the nose-yesterday and today, I didn't do my usual pranayam of both the Sandyaa. I did usual exercise in the morning, but gave it up in the evening. The bleeding is perhaps due to cold weather and dry wind-or it may be due to some serious trouble. Although I have asked for a doctor, they don't send him. This time the medical facilities are not adequate and the service is not at all prompt. Considering the feudal treatment given to us, the non-compliance of our request for doctors appears to be in keeping with their policy of keeping us in total isolation. Since we arrived here the doctors visited only twice- one a general physician and the other a dentist. I get constant headache. It may also be due to cold; but it may be due to something else also. Combined with the bleeding of the nose, the headache may be a symptom of some real trouble.
8th February 1977
A very sinister tendency on the part of the jail authority-whoever they are-was evident today when I was told that we couldn't get writing materials without specific authorisation from the HQ. I had asked for some plain sheets of paper; they brought 6 sheets. I said I need 6 Quires [reams of 6 x 24 sheets] whereupon the captain gave me the whole information- that the matter has been referred to the higher authorities. I am aghast at this attitude. If I don't get writing paper, my life here will be extremely unbearable. GM suggests that we should make use of the newspapers to write on. We should cut them to exercise book size and write our notes or our ideas on the blank spaces available on the printed pages. Now we will have to do that most likely. It passes my comprehension as to the motive of this restriction. I have been asking for a doctor to examine my nose which has been bleeding for some time. The doctor too is not sent. Is it a design to victimise us or is it a precaution against out possible effort to contact people outside though the doctor or to smuggle our notes and messages through pipes or the cook or the sweeper. Anyway I am greatly disturbed. I have been homesick the whole day and was depressed and a little ill also: on top of this the captain informs us in the evening that we won't get writing paper without specific sanction from the HQ. It is very awful. We are in such a helpless condition. Sometimes the thought to go on hunger strike occurs to me, but such action would be nothing short of suicide and would be absurd, in view of our total segregation from the outside world. The King would be happy to let me die without the world knowing that I died as a result of hunger strike. I therefore rule out hunger strike. What else can I do here in this stark isolation? Sometimes-mostly immediately after lunch-I feel extremely helpless. My intellect, my analysis says that we are on the right path and that we will ultimately win. But my psychology- my emotional reaction- is unaffected by my reasoning. I remain psychologically disturbed. How to get over this psychological weakness? If only I could still this psychological agitation!