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BP Koirala is getting more and more worried that he is losing his mind. He is taking tranquilisers, and wonders whether he and Ganesh Man Singh made the right decision about returning to Nepal to be incarcerated. Ganesh Man assures him it was the right decision under the circumstances. The fact that they are kept in isolation, Ganesh Man thinks, is an indication that King Birendra hasn't made up his mind what to do with them.

14 March 1977
Sundarijal

Didn't have good sleep at night, emotionally disturbed. Since the morning I am again gripped by anxiety. The wave of anxiety lasted the whole day. Everything is seemingly all right-my health is normally good, the political situation has at least not worsened and we don't find any fault in our analysis or any cause for regret for the decision to return to Nepal, and I don't see why family affairs can't continue to be as they used to be before. Everything appears to be normal, except the state of my mind. This is inexplicable. If this state continues for long, I may even lose my mind. There is almost a maniac seizure-of melancholic hypochondria-a suffocating dark despair. It has nothing to do with reality, nothing to do with reason or the situation, only a dark upsurge from the innermost recesses of my psychology which suddenly envelopes my whole being. This is perhaps how the mind starts to fail. I wanted to do some mechanical work to keep me busy and away from this desperate mood. I faired out a few pages of my prepared statement to the court if and when I would be brought before it. But I soon got tired of it, and also I found that the mechanical job of preparing a fair copy of the statement was too tiring and psychologically unrewarding. It only added to my sense of frustration and worthlessness. The mind doesn't get serenity by doing mechanical work. Unless it is exercised, its restlessness is not calmed. And I am not in a fit state of mind to exercise it meaningfully. What a vicious cycle! In order to conquer the present mental depression, the mind has to be creatively exercised, and it can't be so exercised unless depression is removed, and depression can't be removed unless the mind is creatively exercised. This is the situation.

We got four days worth of newspapers today. The king has cryptically replied to a question pertaining our return to Nepal. Put to him by Ramesh Pande (the question itself was in part in the nature of condemnation of our previous activities: destructive, violent and anti-national and was suggestive of the success of the Panchayat System and hence our frustration leading to the direction we took, etc etc.) the question should be addressed to the people in general and the Panchas in particular whose opinion finds reflection in the system. The king doesn't want to answer to this question of a political nature and hence refers the correspondent to the [..] of the Panchas.
On the basis of this, GM feels the king hasn't made up his mind one way or the other about us. He therefore feels that we will continue to be imprisoned in the present condition for some more time.

15 March
Sundarijal

Waiting, waiting and waiting and nothing happens.

16-17 March
[No entry]

18 March
Sundarijal
I had a good sleep last night and I got up as usual at 4 in a good mood. In the morning immediately after I woke up, even before I sit up in bed, I see my face in the mirror. The face is generally flushed and lips are unusually bright and red and the capillaries in the eyes are also red. I don't know what this is due to. I use a low pillow to ease the cervical pain as recommended by doctors, and moreover I can't be comfortable with a high pillow. I will have to send for a doctor to find out the condition of my heart. The authorities here are so reluctant to get doctors for us quickly that I don't feel like asking them for one. But I think I must speak to them about my condition and ask them to get me a doctor. But in the morning I was psychologically all right-normal-which is what is not happening to me since my arrival here. But again this emptiness didn't last long. As long as it lasts I feel greatly relieved. I washed some clothes and pressed them. I have discarded my woollen clothes as the temperature is warm enough for cotton, started using pajamas and kurta, which again reminds me of Varanasi and Sushila and the others. The design for my kurta and pajama was made by Sushila who thinks that this suits me the most along with Nepali clothes. I have started using only one light quilt at night, which means from today I am celebrating the advent of the warm season. I took ? a tablet of tranquiliser (Valium) to soothe my nerves. It is with most reluctance that I took it. It did me some good [.] I had taken ? tablet the day before without much effect. That I am reduced to taking tranquilisers is an indication of the state of my mind. I don't understand what is happening to me. I try to analyse, try to fight against the onset of depression but to no avail. Is it some psychological breakdown? Some awareness deep in the psychology that the decision has been wrong-decision to return. Even if the decision is wrong, why this speedy psychological breakdown? In politics of the nature that we pursue, such decisions have to be taken. Again, in order to find out from GM if he too has second thoughts about our decision, I ask him about it. He is calm and perfectly certain that ours was the only decision in the present circumstance. He also feels more emphatically that our present condition of isolation would be lifted soon after the king makes up his mind about us. He feels our isolation is an indication that the king has not yet made up his mind.

19-21 March
[No entries]



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