Nepali Times
Under My Hat
From the Kingdom of Amnesia to the Republic of Insomnia


Now that Nepal will soon be gaining honorary membership of the Axis of Evil in recognition of our achievements in turning all the clocks in the country back by a century, it's about time we brought ourselves up to speed on the strict Code of Conduct that governs the behaviour of such states.

If we are serious about being becoming a pariah nation and remaining one, we can't pussyfoot around anymore. Membership of the Axis of Evil means that with absolute power comes absolute responsibility to adhere to some of the basic norms of naughtiness. No one is going to take us seriously if we are half-hearted about repression and just go around pretending to be bad.

There are countries that are far ahead of us in tyranny and have decades of experience in thumbing their noses at the international community and getting away with it. Some of them are hermetically sealed nations in our own vicinity, and we need to learn the tricks of the trade from them.

For example, it is no longer sufficient just to make a token gesture like moving our zonal headquarters from Nepalganj to Surkhet. Look at how far ahead Burma is: this week it shifted lock stock and barrel its entire capital from Rangoon to Pyinmana to thwart an imminent foreign invasion. That is the kind of steadfastness, determination and foresight we need if we want to be card-carrying members of the League of Failed States. Let's ask ourselves: are we determined to wreck this country or not?

If we are really serious about being taken seriously by the international community, therefore, we need to emulate North Korea and Iran and begin plutonium enrichment at the Radiology Department of the Ministry of Information Warfare at Khumaltar. That way no one can kick us around anymore.

Then there is the whole continent of Africa that we have ignored for far too long. It is the region with the most failed states in the world, and we have to figure out how they did it. The first step towards being a failed state, of course, is to set up a Nepal-Zimbabwe Friendship Society if there isn't one already. Then we go right ahead and establish full diplomatic relations with the Democratic Peoples' Republic of Insomnia and the Kingdom of Amnesia. Then we dispatch a fact-finding mission to Bujumbura to see how one can be a failed state in ten easy steps, and while we are at it earn bonus airmiles on Royal Nepal Airtight Corporation. This will also give RNAC the necessary experience to establish direct air links between Timbuktu and Kathmandu in future so the national flag carrier doesn't waste any more taxpayer money flying unprofitable sectors like Kathmandu-Hong Kong and Kathmandu-Delhi during the peak tourist season.

Being such an active member of the Axis of Evil will mean that we face the looming danger of being invaded. That is why if it were up to me (hint, hint) I'd immediately relocate all government offices from Kathmandu to Rasuwa with immediate effect.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)