Human civilisation, during various stages of its evolution, has defined true bliss in multifarious ways. Our furry hunter-gatherer forebears, for instance, were happiest while chewing on a grilled gnu rib, washing it down with fermented antelope buttermilk, and belching in a loud and carefree manner while walking around their prehistoric underground bunkers with no clothes on.

The relentless march of history and biology meant that when the Roman Civilisation finally rolled by, the zenith of human contentment was to be able to wangle tickets for seats near the orchestra pit in the Colosseum and cheer a pride of lions (home team) while they tucked into the dessert (visiting team).

And so we fast forward to the ongoing Western Civilisation, in which Reverse-Darwinism and the Process of Unnatural Selection means couch-dwelling hominoids can attain nirvana by transforming themselves from bipeds with enlarged craniums capable of rational thought into long hairy caterpillars with a remote in one hand and a can of alcoholic beverage in the other. As long as there is a steady supply of Doritos with dip, freedom fries and prawn crackers progressing at a steady rate through our alimentary canals and a choice of cricket, the Oscars or Iraq on cable, you could say that we are truly happy.

Navjot Singh Sidhu: "So, Mandira, my cute friend, there is light at the end of the tunnel after all, what do you think of that excellent delivery?"

Mandira: "Yes, the Australians have really upped the tempo in the last half-hour, but they are still facing pockets of resistance from the rear. By the way, don't you think this red lace outfit with the plunging neckline that I'm wearing today is rather fetching?"

Navjot Singh Sidhu: "Very eye-catching indeed, but I think we're trying to catch balls here, Mandira. Can't quite figure out whether that last cut by Sachin was a straightish square leg or a squarish straight leg, but it did go past the slips to a silly point. So, we now go live to our correspondent who is embedded in the sand by the Rivers of Babylon for an unconfirmed report that Geraldo Riviera of our rival Fox Channel has just been spotted on the other side of the berms. What do you make of these reports, Christian?"

Christian: "Well, so far we have no confirmation from coalition sources, but if true, this means Geraldo's presence is going to strike such terror and panic in the Republican Guards that they are going to forget that they are actually supposed to be shocked and awed by all these misguided missles."

Navjot Singh Sidhu: "I know things are rather awesome at the moment, Christian, but are you able to tell whether these guards are really republican, or could they perhaps be democrats masquerading as republicans to fool our coalition forces?"

Steve Martin: "If I could just butt in here, I didn't quite catch that last question, but it was indeed a green sari that J Pez was wearing on stage. It raised quite a few eye brows among defence analysts, and here with me in the studio to comment on the mother of all bums is the editor of Jane Fonda's Defence Weekly, Col (Retd) Oliver North. Oli, let me ask you this, was that a sari, and if so, shouldn't Ms Lopez have been wearing a blouse underneath?"

Oliver North: "Well, what I learnt from selling weapons to the contras via Iran was that in the relentless march of history every asset, however big or small, is a military asset."

Daljit Dhaliwal: "Let's crossover to the weather centre for the latest world weather."

Jim Fish: "Daljit, thanks, gusty wind and soaking rain is threatening the Australian Open as it gets underway, and over in Kirkuk we are predicting a high of 18, a night low of 8, and a bit of unsettled weather perhaps a little bit later in the day over the Northern No Fly Zone..."