Something has gone very, very wrong with the Charitraheen Chelis' libidos. They don't want to lift a finger for men. For them, this qualifies as a state of emergency as they are supposed to be women of bad character.
To perk up, they decided to come out with a list of sexy people. They've done this before and it whetted their appetites for life. Readers know that Kantipur editor Narayan Wagle (who looked extremely fetching when he showed up for government interrogation recently) was named No 1 in their evaluation of the 10 sexiest journalists in Nepal. The editor of the present publication came in at No 3, not bad for a 50-year-old, is it? (See: 'Media hunks, #171)
Then they named the 10 sexiest politicians, which was frankly a taxing exercise, as politicians tend to overlook the finer points of style and grooming. But they are fearless Chelis, they placed Badal at the top of that list, hoping he might give up the underground life and come into open politics, if only to meet us at cabin restaurants. Peace would then prevail.
So, recently, they decided: why not come up with a list of the 10 Sexiest Cabinet Members? But they ran into problems, immediately.
First, they couldn't find out whether it was legal to discuss the sex appeal of the First Vice-chairman. And if it is legal, is it permissible to speak one's mind on the topic without censorship? Or is it only permissible to say that the First Vice-chairman is the sexiest cabinet member? Which of course he is.
Then they turned their attention to the rest of the cabinet but got stuck on this question: how young must one be to be sexy? Of course, it is possible to find 60-year-olds attractive or even 70 or 80-year-olds-if one is oneself 60, 70 or 80. The Chelis are themselves not spring chicken (though some of them behave as though they were). But 50 should be the cut-off age. Generally, sagging flesh, wrinkled skin, thinning hair, stiff joints, varicose veins, chicken necks, age spots, questionable virility: these are major obstacles to sexiness. Also, short men leave the Chelis cold. Being egalitarian, they don't like to talk down at men.
Therefore, Durga Shrestha was the list topper this time. Ms Shrestha has a roundly pleasant face and a roundly pleasant demeanor. In her first public statement, she said she would like to make the Nepali people laugh. Nepalis have come to want standup routines and jokes from our government. She was therefore awarded the Charitraheen Cheli Sexy No 1 Plaque (Valid Through Emergency, Conditions Apply).
Second to 10 on the list of sexy cabinet members, however, are kitchen cabinets, cupboards, filing cabinets, closets, dressers, bathroom cabinets, breakfronts, sideboards, side tables and even headboards. As for Ramesh Nath Pandey, Radha Krishna Mainali, Krishna Lal Thakali, Buddhi Raj Bajracharya, Tanka Dhakal, Dan Bahadur Shahi, Khadag Bahadur GC, Ram Narayan Singh and Madhukar Sumsher Rana, they qualified for consolation prize, the consolation being that they are way, way sexier now than they will be in a decade. Tulsi Giri and Kirtinidhi Bista were awarded magnifying beauty mirrors for showing up in our lives again.
This whole exercise has depressed the Chelis' libidos and driven them to despair. Were there no young, sexy people in this country? They plummeted from despair to depression. They snuck under the bedcovers and lay there in a deep gloom. And they decided to call it quits.
Yes, the Chelis are boycotting lovemaking. Not a wink, not a smile, not even a flirtatious look will emanate from them. Not forever, of course. Just till their 40-point demands (See: 'Women declare independence', #186) are met. And till a ceasefire is declared, peace talks are held and a new constitution is drafted via a constituent assembly. The fact is that the objective conditions are not right for lovemaking in Nepal. So: nothing, nothing, nothing. Okay, maybe they will flirt a little with people who-on a personal, individual basis-meet our demands and otherwise agree with our vision. And they may throw a lola or two at the boys this holi. But there will be no lovemaking.
Make peace, not love. And make it now.