Nepali Times
Brought to you by Buffeater Gin


A lot of you have taken the Ass aside at parties this week to ask for my take on the whether it is true that PM BRB told the cabinet he had saved the national treasury Rs 10 million by giving Prakash ("The Son Also Rises") Dahal only Rs 20 million, when he had asked for Rs 30 million to climb Mt Everest. Sonny Boy went crying to Daddy when the deal fell through and said: "They won't give me money, so bad they are." Awesome Dad, being a Marxist-Leninist-Maoist knowns his communism, and realises that the only way to defend the revolution is to only trust the fruits of one's loins, even if they are spoilt brats. Which is why the far-sighted Great Leader has positioned the Dear Leader as next in line in the dynasty. He accompanied the Lumbini team of Comrade Avalokiteswore and Comrade Minendra to New York last year at state expense. Everywhere else he is Dad's Computer Operator-cum-Body Guard.

Good thing the prime minister cancelled the grant to Awesome, Jr. There were already Baddies lining up to ask for Rs 1 million to clmb Pulchoki to save the constitution. One lunatic even claimed he needed 1 arab to go to the moon in order to save the peace process.

Actually, Comrade Sonny-Come-Lately is rather internet savvy and has been the lead architect in mobilising social media against Daddy's rivals within the party and without, including Comrade Pompa and Comrade Cloudy. But despite this, he couldn't take the flak that the Everest funding fiasco generated on his status page last week, and committed Facebook suicide. But before deactivating his account, he had one last go at his critics, accusing them ominously of being part of a conspiracy to undermine Dad's ambition to lead Nepal to glory. He also put on a brave face, and said he had "rejected" the measly 20 million that Baburam had given him. Anyway, the team flew off to Lukla this week and Comrade Fabulous has given his son 5 millions pocket money from party coffers, and said he will "manage" the rest from "other sources". Guess that will mean some of us will be getting letters from the official villa at Large Implant to mandatorily volunteer moola for the expedition. The team is aiming to reach the summit on 27 May, the exact deadline for the constitution, and if they can't make it they plan to ask for an extension to the spring climbing season. If some team members lose their pinkies to frostbite, then the Ass' guess is that they will demand 10 million compensation for every martyred finger and toe.

The PM Ram Babu is suddenly hurling fulsome praise at the Nepal Army, saying it has been playing a "positive role" in the integration process. As PM, he seems to have finally realised that throughout history this country has always been under de facto military rule. All but forgotten in all this mutual admiration between Balu Water and NAHQ is that the army blatantly defied the PM's order to re-open to traffic the Maiti Ghar to Bhadrakali access road that the military usurped during the war, citing security. The prime minister is credited with demolishing half the city to widen roads, but it looks like even he had to surrender to the army's wishes. He must have figured he has bigger fish to fry, and may not want to push the army too hard when he needs the brass to be generous on the induction criteria for the 6,500 ladakoos in the new Directorate.

Meanwhile, it is a mystery to everyone why the Army High Command has chosen this particular time in the nation's history to conduct anti-aircraft exercises throughout the country. Is an invasion imminent? If so, from which direction? Is that the air raid siren? NOTAMs have been issued for domestic flights to avoid flying over the army's test firing ranges. One such target practice area is Surya Binayak, which as many of you know is right on approach to Kathmandu airport. Given the sharpshooting capabilities of our Chinese-made ack-ack batteries, the Ass has his fingers and toes crossed that the army will not bring down a domestic flight to Biratnagar with friendly fire.

1. Sara

I pass that billboard every day, and often wondered why half of it was covered up. Now I understand it is because it has the word "beef" blocked in order not to offend Hindus. It would be a great joke if it wasn't so stupid!

2. kabulekanchho
They could have certainly rechristened their great stuff  as"Buffeater" respecting the sensibility in Ethnically-Federal Secular yet very SPIRIT-ual Republic of Gaijatraland.

3. Vija
I am really looking forward to all volunteer work in April,coincidentally familiar with the Lenin proposed similar volunteer work once a year for more than fifty years but what is more interesting ,who will participate,all the rehabilatated PLA soldiers,not the integrated soldiers as they naturally wouldn't do work for free, but all the youths from his political party and other small parties ,however Mr.Bhattarai's enthusiasm is worth hearing as it may bring a surprise in a form of state capture and constitution at the same time and we will be presented with the communist constitution and President at once.Yipee!

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)