Nepali Times Asian Paints
ASS
Backside
The dumbest smartphones in the world

ASS


SHALIGRAM TIWARI/KANTIPUR
Just like we needed foreign experts to certify the height of the world's shortest man, it looks like we need foreigners to help us with certifying the true height of Mt Everest. As the news went around the world this week that Nepal now had the world's littlest human being and the world's highest mountain, I guess the only headline we'd like to see next week is:

'World's Shortest Man to Climb the World's Highest Mountain'.

What's with our obsession with the Guinness Book of World Records anyway, this country needs to see a shrink. Nepal is in grave danger of getting into the Guinness Book for trying to be in the Guinness Book for:
• Trying to break the most world records
• Postponing the constitution-writing deadline most often
• The shortest ride from plane to terminal anywhere
• Having the world's fastest clock tower
• Having the dumbest smartphone service provider

As one district after another starts declaring itself 'no open defecation zone', the Ass' first reaction when Sunsari became the latest to bite the dust was: "No shit!" But does this mean Sunsari-basi's no longer have to put up with the open verbal diarrhoea emanating from Minister Gutch and SuzieQ anymore?

Nepal is now in strong competition with the Australians in intra-party back-stabbing. But the Ozzies have a lot of catching up to do. Comrade KP Oily looked thrilled when his Kamreds threw in a surprise birthday bash at United Trade Center the other day. JNK was also there, so was MKN. And it was quite painfully apparent that the love triangle within the eh-Maley party is getting tangled again. Makunay expressed unconditional love for the birthday boy, but Kamred Goli was fluttering his eyelids rather flirtatiously at Jhol Gnat and ignoring his ex.

The happiest man after Minister for Graft and Corruption Jay Pee was sent to the gallows was none other than our very own Upadro Yadav. His supporters went around distributing laddus in celebration and there were firecrackers across Tarai towns. Gupta Sir's supporters tried to light a few tyres in protest of anti-Madhesi discrimination, but it got no traction because the ones celebrating the most were the Madhesis. Erstwhile comrade-in-arms and Homestay Minister Gutch was the first to visit JP in jail. The mule's mole in Sadarkhor provided a transcript of the conversation:
Gutch: So, how you liking it here? Everything cosy?

JP: About that bank account in Bihar …
Gutch:
(Cutting JP off) Ha ha! No hard feelings, I hope? (offering JP paan)
JP: I could use a commode, the squatting toilet is killing my knees.
Gutch: (Shouting at guard) Commode for prisoner 536. Anything else?
JP:
A pack of cards.
Gutch: Ok, but will you play solitaire?
JP
: (smiling) No, I was hoping you would join me.

No surprise that the State Minister for Deforestation has been on the take, keeping his hands very busy under the table. But the guy's luck ran out this week when CIAA sleuths working undercover caught him inflagrante having his palms greased. The ministerial PA who was the middleman is now employing the JP formula and calling it a "conspiracy against the Madhes".

Meanwhile, BRB has instructed his demolition experts to finish razing buildings on the Lazimpat road "by mid-May". Balu Water watchers found that deadline significant. Why mid-May? Is that when the prime minister is planning to step down in a hitherto unpublicised secret deal with the kangresis to rotate the prime ministership to Lord Ram Chandra? And, um, just a quick question: are we also going to repave the roads or is this a new idea from our Urban Planning PhD Prime Minister to make the city look like a war zone?

Latest from the Red Villa is that PKD has bought himself a treadmill and is regularly playing badminton with his YCL guards. The man has also cut down on masu-bhat and is going easy on the scotch. For more information, visit:
www.awesome.guv. But I wonder what PKD's YCL guards will do when the Baidya loyalist YCLs surround the Red Villa to demand that Chairman Ferociousness hand them back their stolen allowances.

Kathmandu's Finest sure has its priorities right. The day after a terrorist killed three outside the NOC, our ever-vigilant cops were out in force apprehending jaywalkers at Bubber Mahal, and fining people not wearing seatbelts in a traffic jam. They deserve a place in the Guinness Book.



1. nepali hypocrite

the first three paragraphs are priceless. i'm laughing like a donkey - of the nepali kind, that is.

and the snap! who needs yeltsin or a laloo when we have our own kp baajay.

i'm deliberately reading  'happy bin' on his topi. 



2. Singkong Duling

Your column is the only reason why I, as a foreigner,Β ever read this online newspaper. You tell things as they are with guts and humor.



3. sumit kunwar
very funny and very nice article. enjoyed the read thoroughly.

LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


ADVERTISEMENT









himalkhabar.com            

NEPALI TIMES IS A PUBLICATION OF HIMALMEDIA PRIVATE LIMITED | ABOUT US | ADVERTISE | SUBSCRIPTION | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS OF USE | CONTACT