Nepali Times
The mystic masseuse


It's all Toni Hagen's fault. Ever since the Swiss geologist came to Nepal in the 1950s and tried to turn Nepal into Switzerland by training us to make cheese, every decade or so a Nepali leader pops up to say that he will turn Nepal into Switzerland by such-and-such a date.

What these leaders don't know is that Nepal is already Switzerland. Just look at all the similarities:

1. We are both landlocked.
2. Neither was colonised.
3. Both will soon be ethnic confederations
4. Our mercenaries guard the British Queen, theirs guard the Pope. Ours use khukuris, theirs use Swiss Army Knives.
5. Like Helvetics, we are going to have rotation leadership in our State Restructuring Commission.
6. If the RPP has its way we may have a referendum for everything.
7. They export Ferrero Rochers, and we export Pustakaris.
8. They have cantons we have cantonments.

While the 3 Idiots scratch their asses over what to do with the constitution, kingji was spotted shaking it all over a party thrown by an ex-crown princess for a trust named after her good self at the aptly named Crown Plaza. Although the commoners were exclusively not invited, the Donkey managed to gate crash and sneak a peak at kingG giving Buhari a few tips on how to Moonwalk.

Comes a belated eye-witness account from Thimphu that our Environ-Mental Minister was reading his speech from a sheaf of papers to an international conference on climate change last week when he kept on reading even after coming to the end of his speech right into a confidential memo containing talking points given to him by his aides. Looks like our top state secrets for the Durban summit have been prematurely leaked to all and sundry by the Honourable Minister.

Ever since Lion Brave has been challenging the supremacy of Alfa Male Sushil Duh, the poor old man is feeling forlorn. The infighting among kangresis has now got so bad Jhusil Koirala is not even invited to weekly grind at Naranthan anymore, not even for the regular weekend boozeups where The Lion King was seen recently dancing to the tune of "...tauba tera jalwa, tauba tera pyaar, tera emotional atyachar". Following the grand tradition laid down by the likes of Ganesh Man Dai and Comrade Awe-inspiring himself, Sushil the Malsapro, as he is known in party circles, apparently broke down and cried at the humiliation.

The mule's mole over at the Pistachio Palace reports that PKD is seething at India again and muttering: "Ke ho yo, je gareni hundaina." This time, steam is coming out of his ears because even after kowtowing to the Dilli Darbar he hasn't managed to meet Man Mohanji, although his nemesis, PM BRB, has seen him thrice in three months. While Awesome has to be content meeting not-well-done operatives in shady rendezvous in Siliguri or Kuala Lumpur, Laldhoj is going to be hosting high profile visits by Pranab Bhai, the Chinese premier, and Man Mohan again early next year.

Tongues are wagging at the Firangi Ministry over the lissome lass who accompanied Kazi Naran Kamred in his visits to the SAARC Summit in Male and to China last week. When eye brows were raised about the cost implications in the mantra-laya, the minister explained that he needed a masseuse to accompany him "for health reasons". Nothing strange, his boss took his son along everywhere as his "body guard-cum-computer operator".

Chairman Awful summoned all commanders to Naya Bazar the other day and ordered them and the rank and file to chose integration in the new Nepal Army directorate. Although there was a lot of grumbling about being humiliated to be turned into "forest rangers", the number will probably reach the stipulated 6,500. However, true to the Orwellian dictum that comrade leaders are always "more equal than others", the offspring of senior Maoists have all chosen to opt for voluntary retirement instead. Topping the list is UNMIN-certified guerrilla, Dear Leader Prakash. The lure of lucre seems to be too tempting to ignore for Comrade Atom, the fruit of the loins of Com Mahara. PKD's own ex-dotter-in-law and the daughter of Comrade Postman has decided to take the Rs 7 lakhs and become a tv anchor. PLA Commander General Pasang is hedging his bets and has sent one son into the Nepal Army and the other to take the cash. The Baidya-Prachanda feud seems to be complicating matters in the integration process, with the hardliners lobbying strongly that the guerrillas should take the money to fund "the continuation of the revolution".

1. jange

Thursday evening and yet no comments on what the Ass has to say?

Is it because the Ass has become so wise that the Ass himself is the only one who can understand what has been written?

Is it because what the Ass has written is so irrelevant that there is no point in making comments?

Is it because the Ass has repeated this so many times before?

Is it a case of comment fatigue?

Is Ass losing his (her, it, 3rd gender pronoun??)  touch?

Is the original Ass dead and the replacement can't match the original?

Why? Why? Why?

2. Tapan Das
Koiralo or koirala  also means Hapsello.
 Refer Bal Chandra's dictionary.
 Hapsello karaye gauma ke hunchha?  Apsagun.
 But Sushil ,the Jhushil is a minor fry compared to his mentor , Giri- ja. Now ja -ja- ja bhai sakyo, ke garne.
 We miss you bugger., Girrr ja.jaja.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)