Nepali Times
ASS
Backside
Liquidity crisis in blood bank

ASS


My favourite headline till Tuesday was the above, and I thought nothing could beat that till it was dislodged by this one (pictured). An abir jatra and nagar parikrama coming right up for the sub in question.


Comrade Rain Man is still the commander of the People's Liberation Army and now also Piece Minister so it was only fitting that he should attend the annual jamboree of the Nepal Scouts in Lainchour the other day. He
wore a khaki uniform (not shorts, thankfully) a kerchief, and gave the host a smart three-finger salute. And then, lo and behold, Rain Man raised his hand and took the Boy Scout oath, repeating in lip sync: "On my honour, I
will do my best to do my duty to God, and my Country and to obey the Scout Law, to keep myself mentally strong and morally straight " He should have just publicly renounced violence as long as he was at it, since it looks
like the PLA is turning into a Cub Scout Pack anyway.


For those who are still asking "Have we turned into a nation of crooks?" let me once and for all put the uncertainty to rest with a firm "Yes." And proof of that is the rampant 'chit'-ing in the ongoing SLC exams, which has surpassed all previous records. Chits have gone digital, with students now getting answers via SMS and taking dictation through mobiles. A CA member got her daughter to sit for exams and when she was found out, came to give her exams herself the next day with bodyguards who apparently helped her with the test. A DEO was caught writing the answers on the blackboard, while another DEO who prevented cheating was beaten to a pulp in Palpa. Journalists who got access to exam rooms to take pictures for the papers were caught in flagrante helping relatives with answers. The Ministry of Re-education says it is deliberately allowing cheating because, as one official put it, "How else are these students going to fit into a society of thugs?" Never thought of it that way: cheating in exams is an integral part of vocational education in this kleptocratic republic.


And now we know why. Past officials of the Commission for the Investigation of the Abuse of Authority it seems themselves had their hands in goo with illicit land deals, selling off the Bagmati floodplains to the highest bidder. To which I can only say: it is like letting the donkey guard the haystack.


It was only a matter of time before the All-Nepal Intellectual Federation (Revolutionary) was also going to split into the ANIF (Revisionist), the ANIF (Not-so-revolutionary-anymore) and the ANIF (Ass Lickers). Which must be why the Jam Cuttle faction has been distributing pistols to casino bouncers in case the Budge Gain Gang decides to get bowtick.


As part of our effort to gauge the public's awareness of political issues, Backside is conducting a poll. Please fill out this questionnaire by ticking one answer and send to ass@nepalitimes.com. The first all correct answer will receive a gift hamper of oatmeal. Women are encouraged to apply and cheating is allowed:

1. Two months later, why hasn't the prime minister still not been able to complete the cabinet?
a. Carpenters have all gone to the Gulf
b. Forum wallahs want phoren
c. Baddies want home
d. Oli's boys want in

2. Why does Chairman Awesome keep going to Singapore?
a. Stop by at StanChart at Suntec tower
b. Meet uncooked handlers
c. Meet wok operatives
d. All of the above

3. What is the real reason the Baddies are at each others' throats?
a. They are doing to themselves what they did to others
b. Jam Cuttle is keeping the casino cash all to himself
c. BRB and PKD are bitter rivals in Stalin Look-alike Contest
d. They're hoodwinking us all by pretending to fight

4. Why can't the Kangresis get off their asses?
a. Because they possess big bottoms
b. Hey, watch who you're calling an ass
c. As a donkey I take umbrage at all this
d. As a donkey you shouldn't be using the 'a' word



1. Soni
A happy fools day to you too Ass.

The VP said that "90% of news published in the Nepali newspapers are false". Then he goes on to say that "health workers have a lots of problems but to solve them constitution must be drafted first".

 


LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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