ANIL POKHREL

>3 Drowned to Death
>UML Whets Penal Knife
>Simian Power Rules
>Maneater Eats Woman

One more deserving than the next for distinction of winning the Ass' Headline on Deadline Sheild.

***

Now that the Great Congress Boozeup is over, it is time to take stock of the achievements of the party's general convention. All the bars along Dilli Bajar and Sundhara have run out of alcohol. The main reason Brave Lion won was because the election committee banned the use of mobile phones in the voting booth. What do cell phones have to do with the voting for the Congress president poll? Good question. It seems the Sher's panel was offering one lak each to everyone who voted for them, but to collect the 100 grand from the Bag Man you had to take a picture of the ballot paper with your tick mark as proof. With phones banned, the plan fell thru, giving Jhusil the edge. The election exposed the great discrepancy in the cost of buying a vote in the CA, where the going rate according to CPji is 5 karod.

The upshot is that whatever was the strategy behind getting Khum Dai to back Lionheart, it backfired badly.

***

The Kangres Konvention was also an organisational feat that rivalled the Commonwealth Games in Delhi. Sponsors erected welcome arches across major city thoroughfares that were so narrow that they blocked half the road, causing huge traffic jams throughout the week.

The Ahm Saba at the Khula Munch was something to behold: the party exhibited its superior management skills in which several VIPs got swallowed up by their sofas in a multiple furniture malfunction. The event culminated in a grande finale when the two candidates for party president delivered their speeches in heavy rain and total darkness.

***

Miffed that most Miss Nepal contests are won by janjati wimmin, the upper crust has set up its own beauty contest that is called Miss Aryan (only female Caucasians will vie for Miss Crème de la crème) and in the illustrious all-Khas judges panel is our very own Sishi Gamala.

***

At the rate new schools and colleges are springing up every day, we are soon going to run out of names for them. In fact, there is already a crippling scarcity given the fact that the most sought-after names are already taken: Glacier, Caribbean, Caspian, Pacific, Kathford. Schools have been forced to venture further afield for names, even into outer space: Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, Titan, Galaxy. And there seems to be a particular fascination for institutions, buildings and even persons linked in one way or another to the US federal government: Pentagon, White House, NASA, Clinton, Empire State.

As a pro-bono service to the education sector, the Ass would like to offer the following perfectly appropriate names on a first come first served basis:
Vampire Institute
Guadacanal Academy
Playboy Vocational School
Bacteria Polytechnic
Albatross College
Nazi Swastika Vidyalaya

Ass fan Shyamal Shrestha writes in to say that the nation's future is guaranteed as long as we have the following superhero netas:

Bat Man Bijukchhe
Iron Man Tuladhar
Hit Man Shakya
Spider Man Singh
Super Man Sainju

***

This week's Foot in Mouth Award goes to Kamred Lila Money for announcing the stoppage of 14 hydroelectric projects that together would generate 5,000 megawatts in the next six years. Perfect timing, cuz we've just heard from the grapevine that power cuts this winter will total 18 hrs a day. Way to go, Comrades!

Send nominations for the prestigious Foot in the Mouth Award to ass(at)nepalitimes.com