Nepali Times
Asstrology for beginners


When politics gets uncertain, politicians start seeing stars. Rulers vying for top jobs are all turning to astrologers. Unfed Marxist-Leninists are OD-ing on the opiate of the masses, and the Maobaddies are turning to the ex-royal soothsayers for advice on appeasing the planets. While the comrades shun astrophysics for astrology, Hridesh the Tripartite has added another lapis lazuli to his only unemployed finger, the Leftist God now consults the zodiac before every major party decision so he has the upper hand against Comrade Oily, and for all his tirades against Brahminism Lionheart has conducted a marathon home in his home employing a plethora of bahuns. So, as we get closer to the 21 July election for the prime minister in parliament, black bokas are being lined up for slaughter at temples across the land, and the Ganeshes are getting ladoos.


Instead of sacrificing or worshipping buffalos, however, Mrs Awesome has this time taken to rearing them. Remember while still underground hubby boy had told the TOI (in that famous interview from Noida in which he confessed to having a crush on Karisma Manandhar) that he drank two glasses of buffalo milk a day? Well, it looks like Comrade Bhayanak could not stand the plastic milk sold at the Naya Bajar corner shop and misses the creamy whole milk of Delhi Dairy. So Sita Ma'm, who has already inducted a jersey cow in the parking lot of the Pistachio Palace, now wants to expand the Red Cow Dairy Farm with a she-buffalo from Chitwan so that the Dahal clan will be self-sufficient in milk and honey.


Even after being stymied by EOIKTM, Awesome has still not given up trying to get an audience in Delhi to explain his case. You have to be either half-empty in the brain department or a blind supporter to still trust the guy after the Shaktikhor tape in which the Chairman basically tells his audience: "Ha ha ha I really hoodwinked everyone, you'd be a fool to trust me. I'm actually a compulsive liar. Ha ha ha." And it has happened again.

After demanding the prime minister's resignation for one whole year, the Comrade is now saying oh no, we'll decide
the integration numbers after we come to power.


Two weeks ago, the entire nation watched Awe-Inspiring being ambushed by reporters as he said he was being "besieged by people within my own party". Well, on Monday Com Dina repeatedly denied on Image tv that his boss ever said such a thing. The ink hadn't even dried on PKD's outburst and his spin doctors were already lying about it. Remember how all the pictures of the Kremlin ramparts don't have a single image of Trotsky from the second anniversary celebration of the Russian Revolution? The Soviets were airbrushing history a whole century before photoshop was discovered.


The question puzzling everyone is why PKD, BRB and the entire baddie brass stayed away from the presscon in which the Maoists announced their high-level talks team. Only Kaji Naran Kamred was there. We can understand that the Chairman has been working overtime to lobby for next week's election in parliament, but BRB? Meanwhile JNK (jilted by PKD after MKN resigned) better watch his BP when shouting at the PM during UML meets.


Many of you have written to the donkey asking what will happen next. Who do you think I am, an octopus? The asstrologer has consulted the oracles, and here it is:

1. The baddies can't muster the numbers and reluctantly agree to a Jhallu-led coalition that they will support from the outside
2. JNK belatedly discovers PKD has been promiscuously wooing Upadro Yadav too and says to hell with it and the UML-led coalition with the baddies in the opposition continues
3. The Maoists decide to make the best of it and agree to a UML-MJF-NC coalition led by Madhesis and support from the outside (this will mean the prez, vice-prez, PM will all be Madhesi, yay!)
4. NC-led coalition with RCP as PM with baddies in opposition
5. The world gets hit by an asteroid and Nepal's travails will pale into insignificance

Belated happy 64th to kingji. BTW, were those YCLs in mufti we saw outside Nirmal Nibas providing security?


1. who cares
prachande should try pig puja this time.

2. kabulekanchho

I accuse you, Ass, of being an elitist unless you commit to have this column translated in Nepali and make it a permanent feature in the Himal and or the I have a suggestion for the caption "Gadhako Peendh Bata". If you want I am willing to provide my translation services, my Nepali is fairly good except the "hrashwas and deerghas", which might require some editing.

3. kabulekanchho
Slimy "gandyaula" could be another deity they could worship.

4. Gole
Compulsive Liar.
A liar should have a good memory. I doubt Prachada has one.He says one thing in the morning but contradicts in the evening.

But there is no law for lying. A liar and a murderer are children of the same village.

5. Kale
Hridesh can still put a ring next time , as his ten fingers are full,like a  naga jogi  in proper place   for good luck in  his politics and to ward off evil spirits. He is a kulin brahmin anyway.

6. Ale
Ass-trophy for Pranesh for promoting cottage industry , jewelery making  in the Parliament;oh no CA. Hrides should continue this practice as there are many parts  in his anatomy to stick jewels. Scientific temper is not  our cup of tea.

7. DG
Octopussy,s Prophecy.
What happens next?
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligary.
It will blow away all your moral certainties and beliefs.
You will be in seventh heaven.

8. devata
Hridesh Tripathi's daughter studied medicine in Banars Hindu University in India in return of his dynamic role in Nepali Politics. Hirelings !!?

9. kabulekanchho
..and Hridayesh dai studied Marxism in Soviet Union. Different avatars of this kuleen brahun from bahun to atheist/Marxist (Keshar Jung Raemajhee's chief ideologue!) to Madheshi politician to a real tan-tricks inspired luchhe politician is really awesome. 

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)