Nepali Times
Under My Hat
Do you ever Miss Nepal?


We got hints last week that Nepali women and men have at long last shed the shackles of patriarchy to stand head over heels and tear down a decorative gate set up for the Miss Nepal Beauty Pageant at the BICC and turn it into a burning issue.

I have it on good authority that some of the arsonists would have easily qualified for, and perhaps even won, the Miss Photo Opportunity, Miss Pyrotechnic or the Miss Dandruff titles.

But they didn't let such temptations distract them from expressing in no uncertain terms their firm opposition to anyone daring to have gorgeous and stunning hair at a time when the country is sinking into a quagmire. The protestors at Bijuli Bajar had reason to be mad as hell: they never stood a chance to ever be crowned Miss Nepal. Because many of them were men.

A beauty pageant is a rigorous process of separating the wheat from the chaff. After the gruelling Swimsuit Competition, which includes the Derriere Round and the Udder Round to ensure that all participants are in fact female, contestants are finally shortlisted for the Most Photogenic Belly-button Category. In this manner, through a process of natural selection, they finally make it to the pinnacle of evolution, which is the climactic moment of the make-or-break Interview Round.

What I want to know is how comes us guys don't get to have such fun. When are we going to have our own Speedo Round? When is someone going to judge us by our looks? Why isn't anyone interested in the size and shape of our pectoral fins? Why can't I enter my gluteus maximus in some competition and win a crown too? It is a travesty that in this day and age, when all known genders are supposed to be equal, there is not yet a Mr Himalayan Hunk Pageant.

In preparation for the day when us men, too, will qualify for beauty contests, I have already started taking coaching classes in how to answer trick questions that those heartless and cruel judges hurl at you during the Interview Round. The thing to remember is never to lose your poise, maintain eye contact with the members of the jury and deliver your memorised speech no matter what the question is.

For instance, if the question is: "What would you exchange your good looks for?" You answer should be: "The most important thing is to restore peace in the country by talking a lot."

Another question designed to throw off contestants is: "What is a Himalayan Legend?" The answer to this can be any number of things: a yak, a yeti, a yak & yeti, the Red Panda, the Lesser Himalayan White-rumped Langur or even Arniko, but remember: you need to impress the judges. And the answer that will get you ten out of ten from all judges will be: "Um.unhh.right.the most important thing is to restore peace in the country by talking a lot,"

Then comes the clincher: "What would you do if you were the prime minister?" And the answer to that is, you guessed it: "The most important thing is to restore peace in the country by talking a lot."

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)