Nepali Times Asian Paints
Under My Hat
Kingdom of Boredom


After being hunted nearly to extinction, wild bores are proliferating once more and have returned to our urban jungles with a vengeance. Only this morning, one of them was reading the main points over the radio with the important breaking news that the president and people of Benin have just been cordially felicitated on their National Day by our leaders who have wished the Beninese people the eternal peace and prosperity that have eluded us. The second main point in the news bulletin over the Boring Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) was that the Ministry of Denial has continued to deny having never exactly said in so many words that the state airline should be sold if at all to the lowest common denominator. And the third main news was that the prime minister has stressed once more that only by working together will we be able to build a futuristic Nepal just like we have in the past.

As an endangered species, our wild bores are related to old world swines. Like them, they have the innate capacity to render a fully-grown adult citizen unconscious at thirty-paces just by opening their snouts. Zoologically speaking, the wild bore is frequently male and comes under several subspecies with a geographical range that extends right across the midhills of our landlocked Kingdom of Boredom. They can be found frequently in the vicinity of regional conferences on democracy and development where they can be spotted foraging for the root causes of poverty. They take abundant coffee breaks, prefacing all their remarks with: Let me put it this way.

As a service to our readers, we have put together a short biographical sketch of an average adult wild bore so that wildlife enthusiasts can track this evolving conservation success story from the subcontinent:

Latin name: Sus scrofa soporifica
Common names: Wild Bore, Male Chauvinist Piglet, Bloody Swine, Old Sow, Miss Piggy, Porky, Wart Hog, Policeman
Local names: Bangur, Bandel
Favourite song: Kya boar bhayo by the Rock Yogis
Habitat: UN conferences, SAARC summits, national seminars and workshops on sustainable development, and scattered across Boredom.
Behaviour: Naturally gregarious, usually nocturnal, in daytime sometimes known to snore loudly during break away sub-groups on peace and development, mature males drift off after dusk to nighspots in small bachelor herds, tend to dominate open forums where they never asks questions but make asses of themselves by holding forth on their curriculum vitae. Immature juveniles prone to inebriation and excessive chatter after overdosing on fermented grape juice and single malt distillates.
Reproduction: Seasonal farrowing, with dominant males boasting that they have the biggest tusks, and that they sired most piglets in the forest, sows tend to keep quiet about their oestrus cycles so they wont be bothered by boisterous bores used to getting their own way.
Diet: Omnivorous, but thrive mainly on airline food, cookies, turnips, tubers and bulbs. Not a fussy eater, will gobble up anything if it is free.
Vital statistics: Back from the political wilderness, no more on the endangered list, and future survival prospects good.

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)