The more discerning among you who are visiting Nepal for the first time may have realised by now that we are a nation of animal lovers. Stay on till next week, and you will see living proof that with Shri Pashupatinath as the patron deity of this secular republic, members of our zoological society are a pampered lot.

We shower considerable respect and devotion to our fellow creatures and this is evident in the way we allow higher mammals free access to our national highways, street intersections, and the runway at the country's one and only international airport. In addition, they are free to attend to calls of nature anywhere, even in Open Defecation-Free Zones where higher primates like us are banned from doing so. They can munch on yummy plastic bags at garbage piles, and if they are buffalos, they can request an upgrade to cattle class as they travel from Raxaul to Imadol to be beheaded.

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Every year, this adulation for our four-legged and feathered friends reaches a crescendo at Tihar when we set aside one day for specialised attention to each.

We start on Monday this year by celebrating National Crow Day to honour Yamaraj's roving ambassador and plenipotentiary here on Planet Earth. Being the smartest birds known to man, Their Excellencies already know it is their day. Devotees get up at the crack of dawn and travel to the banks of the Bagmati to feed them treats. But the crows at Sankhamool are usually already partaking of their communal breakfast of visceral remains of recently-deceased buffalos.

The crows are offered a plethora of sweetmeats which they totally ignore because despite its name, a sweetmeat is vegetarian and the crows would much rather dine on a plethora of rotting cadavers. But it's the thought that counts, and how appropriate that at least once a year we recognise the valuable assistance that crows provide to the Kathmandu Metropolitan City as volunteer scavengers, and decorate them with one of the nation's highest civilian honour in nationally-televised ceremonies.

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Unfortunately, due to asstrological coincidence, the dogs and cows have been slotted for worship on the same day this year. So on Tuesday dogs are gods, and we celebrate man's best friend and reward Fido, Phuche, and Lucky for being around when we need them the most to provide us with security in these troubled times by yowling non-stop all night at everyone in general and no one in particular.

We get up at the crack of dawn on Dog Day to round up the neighbourhood dingo pack and feed them body parts of fellow animals, resisting the temptation to lace it with pulverised tranquilisers. Veneration of our nocturnal canine choir is a tradition that has been passed down to us from the ancient Egyptians who even built pyramids to immortalise dead pets. Giza has three of them: one each for Fido, Phuche, and Lucky.

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Later in the day we worship cash. But it is also when our secular animal republic prays to the holy cow. An indication of the reverence we have for our ex-national animal is the right of way we accord to them along our major thoroughfares. No other animal, not even the prime minister's motorcade on its way to Gorkha for a much-needed vacation is given as much priority as Kathmandu's urban cattle population. In fact, the prime ministerial motorcade is forced to make a slight detour into the sidewalk when bovine traffic islands at Thankot refuse to budge despite blaring sirens and commandos wielding SLRs.

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In conclusion, on behalf of all the animals who feel left out this Tihar, let me, as an Ass myself, assure them that they are not forgotten. Ours is an inclusive democracy in which all animules have equal right to be worshipped.

So from next year's Tihar, by presidential ordinance, we shall also mark Rat Tihar, House Fly Day, the Day of the Vulture, the National Day for Monkeying Around, and, last but not leastest, Donkey Day.