Nepali Times
RABI THAPA
Kalam
Descent from decency


RABI THAPA


BIKRAM RAI
Oh hullo there. How was Dasain?

Mine was crap, thanks to work, leavened only by the brief sight of the empty streets of Kathmandu during our tika expeditions and the lovely turn to autumn that I have been enjoying from my study.

So you're back again, along with the hordes that clog this city to distraction. Well, come back you have, and I don't resent that in a manner that claims "raithane" status. After all, none of us slithered out of the Lake of Kathmandu, we all came from someplace else. I mean to say it's nice to see you again, but I would rather they kept the people out and let the vegetables in for a change.

My Dasain wasn't great, but it's not only because I just didn't have the time to eat, drink and be merry. It's because Dasain is really mostly about being with your family – as far as its extensions take you – and I felt I missed out on this variegated privilege. As I dashed about town with my father to receive tika from our elders, I congratulated him on timing it so we caught them right before they themselves dashed out into the city to their own elders. My father, however, wasn't happy, as it meant we literally walked in and out, our relatives' reaching for the tika even as they greeted us. I could understand. He saw his cousins so rarely it seemed a travesty to not even have the time for a cup of tea.

But onwards. Things are more or less back to normal. That dreary peace process is still dragging on. Thanks god Prachanda Dahal has decided that as a communist-without-a-soul he will be devoting his full head of hair's attention to concluding it, over plates of masubhat and glasses of raksi. Doubtless that's why he decided to limit his part in the funeral proceedings to setting his old man on fire.

We've also survived the horrors of the food scandal, even managed to log on a kilo or two. But not much else has changed over the festive season, and neither have we Nepalis, hitherto unknown for our mannerlessness. Only the other day, seeking to dodge the scummy cabbies that gather around a certain chowk where I live in Kupondole, then to dodge the traffic jam at the Bagmati bridge, I walked on into Kathmandu. As I waited fruitlessly for a taxi, fretting about whether I would make the movie I was scheduled to see, a man came up and accosted me with his cellphone. "Ask him where I should go," he said in Hindi. "I don't understand Nepali." As I explained to the voice on the phone that his "maanche" was in Thapathali, not Maitighar, an empty taxi flashed by. I pointed my man towards Maitighar, and he walked off without a word of thanks. I failed to spot another cab, and gave up on the movie.

I slouched back home, pondering the casualness with which Nepalis explain to foreigners, "We don't have words for please or thank you," as if implying that we are so naturally nice that such formalities are superfluous. This may hold true in certain contexts, and certainly within an extended family or a rural setting. In urbania, with all the other rules of conduct expected to apply (whether they do or not), why not the most basic rules of decency?

Heading to a recent event organised by Nepal Unites – an unabashedly self-declared bastion of common decency – I was asked directions by two northern European girls. I obliged, and further down the road witnessed an ice-cream man stop to hand over a filled cone, gratis, to a beggar child looking on longingly. On the way back, filled with the milk of human kindness, I espied two more damsels in distress, local variety. They had dropped a cheap plastic garland of flowers from the road into the shrubbery next to the Kalmochan Temple on Tripureshwor. Seeing me, they demanded: "Oh, you have an umbrella, tyo nikaldinus ta!" I obeyed, getting my knees dirty and risking a tumble into monkey territory. A few false jabs later, I managed to rescue the garland. And the women?

They took it from me, wordlessly, and simply walked away.

What did I expect? A simple acknowledgement, even just a smile? It was not forthcoming. It reinforced my idea that Nepalis, renowned the world over for being smiley, hospitable types, have unlearned how to live with each other. Sure, it's hard to get the community vibe when you only know your neighbours by the timbre of their nuisance value. But how about a little more Dasain spirit this Tihar and beyond, the kind you extend as a matter of course to your extended family? Pretty please?



1. Shristi

It was a good read. Maybe they thought it was their right to ask for favors and who thanks your own people. I guess there is still that innocense, that crudeness among us Nepalese. Well normally urban people around the world don't beleive in asking for help. It might not have been pleasant to be you to be taken for granted but I found those people uniquely Nepali (Be happy, I think they thought of you as one of their own). If you were foreigner, the person looking for taxi would not have seeked your help. Whereas those ladies would have left you with beautiful smiles, which you would have wanted because it is unusual for foreigners to help. As for you, you were a normal nepali guy, who would definitely help if they ask for it. ;)



2. B2B

The subject treated by Rabi is of great importance if you go in for a mix of some people who deliberately forget the basic codes of conduct in the society where they belong. Let me give here below a quick outline to be updated for those who are interested in living harmoniously in a society with insouciance and hassle-free.

In today's Nepal many urchins and passers-by are like the little hamster on his little treadmill going no where and do not know it. They are simply the lost generation of the Nepalese youth thanks to the Maoists' past shenanigans.

When nations are at the tipping point of history it is more than difficult to make the choice of a distinct path which shall lead them to a safe haven. In order to be somebody who has all necessary qualities to lead a successful life in today's Nepal a guy must acquire a solid education and infallible instructions to override all drawbacks, so as to securing legitimacy from the folks around, messy as that might be.

Only thing that is in short supply is whether there are still volunteers or not. Who shall be held to account by the craven authorities? They ain't the stupid ones, misled and misinformed through and through they often are. Maybe they have only the quaint notions that won't work in the real world of computing, warts and all

Oftentimes, you have gotten to shake off the jitters and find some political folly. For, history is full of big ideas that didn't survive their implementation.

It doesn't make any difference if the denizens of this nation become all educated and at the same time care for something that makes them proud to be Nepalese, if it ain't ripped apart by the tsunami of futilities. This time round will you have a different take to it? This world is so much shrouded in mystery and intrigue oscillating between the past and the present that we remain appalled and without voice.

Manners and politeness remain always organic or natural or spanking new. You cannot forget to say 'please', 'thank you', 'you're welcome', 'I love you', 'you are important', 'you are pretty or handsome' or smart enough! These words ring cool and appeasing in the society where you live. Those soothing words are sort of an honeycomb that sweetens your life.

All begins at home. It is vital to create an ambiance of bliss and well-being at home by means of some magic words which spill out everywhere you go either in the neighborhood, work place where the way you express yourself has the influence to create a harmonious atmosphere in the society.

From the very beginning good manners and politeness are considered to be the realm of mild words and it is up to you to instill them into the life of your children. Parents and school teachers are those unsung heroes who fashion the characters and personality of your offspring.

Most of the parents are confronted with daily hardships of teaching their children good manners and etiquette which is no doubt one of parenting. Children emulate their parents and siblings to perfection in their lives. They should actually begin right from the age of 2 years when they participate in family eating get-together.

Apart from teaching them the words like please, thank you, pardon me, I beg your pardon etc. you must gradually teach them the table manners. And while greeting somebody welcome home those who are from outside the family circle children must learn to use always the suffix like Mr., Mrs. and Ms. while addressing their elders.

No doubt, children emulate fast, so why it is necessary to teach them how to behave properly in public, never to spit on the pavements or anywhere other than into the sink of the house.

Never humiliate a child in front of his classmates or other playmates. If you find him guilty of not following your education correct him softly by looking straight into his eyes but in private.

As good manners enhance kids' social success you must teach them how to behave with their peers and adults in the society. It is up to you to rebuild a robust relationship with your kids. Teach them how to respect others, for instance, holding open doors for the person behind them. Your authority and obedience they go side by side.

Here below find the main topics of education you should imperatively teach your offspring:

1)Respect

2)Politeness

3)Table manners

Gentlemen traditionally stand up when a woman enters the room. But in the 21st century it looks to be a little bit awkward and worn out as nobody deign to do so. Usually, if you take a lady out to a dinner you pay the bill, but now more and more ladies want to pay their own food.

What is etiquette? Normally, it could be defined as the convenient requirements as to social behavior, proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion. As a matter of fact, etiquette guides you as to how to behave in the society.

If you want to be respected first learn to respect others. Your good manners are always the demonstrations of your good education and character, and shows that you are a person to be respected.

While you are at it, never invade a person's personal space while in conversation with somebody. That means stand always at least 1 meter away from your interlocutor.

Use few words and make sure those words have meaning. Remain polite and respectful always. That never means you should look stilted!

Proper etiquette and good manners help you in making the right impression which help you to make relationship if you are in business circle.

Every culture and situation has its own taboo and codes of conduct. Good manners stem from general sense of concern and kindness for others. Once philosopher Schopenhauer coined, "Politeness is to human what warmth is to wax."

Above all a good mannered person always uses the words like please, thank you, pardon me. He never brags, or belittle others openly unless otherwise forced. He doesn't point his finger at somebody and never stares at somebody. But while he is with friends he is brilliant with flying repartee.

It is obvious that we are often invited to the dinner parties at home or in restaurants of palaces of 3 star Michelin*. Which is why, I suggest you to learn a little bit of French so as to be able to read the Menu and understand as to what are you going to eat. Over here, your table manners will show all your basic education. Further, your way of talking shows more or less where do you actually hail from? If you converse with the guests in English do not feign to imitate an accent that ain't yours. Apart from that you must learn how to use those different plates, spoons, forks and knives, starting from soup spoon to dessert spoon. Never use a fish or meat cutting knife for eating cheese. In the same way the wine glasses are all different. For instance, you never drink champagne in a wine glass but in a special crystal flute. And if you go for cognac there is a special glass and also another different glass for liqueur.

Always shake hand normally while somebody introduces you to his friends. Look straight into his eyes smiling mildly.

In Indian Subcontinent you need more to serve your common sense as well as insights to understand the social behaviors. Firstly, you make sure not to touch somebody you ain't acquainted with, either man or woman. Only with previously acquainted persons you shake hands, otherwise you say simply 'Namaste' by folding your two palms together

While greeting somebody in most cases you pay homage to the eldest and elders hierarchically, if you are accustomed to by touching their feet. Normally by saying Namaste to every other person you might do your obligations. Again, by only saying 'Hi' you will finish your greeting obligations.

Each society has its own codes of conduct which are so blatant in the extreme Orient. The Japanese, Chinese, South Korean, Thai et al are all different. One thing nonetheless I find common to all of them is they seldom say 'no' to an alien. Sometimes, their 'yes' means also no in reality.

In Indian Subcontinent your decency is measured the way you dress up and behave in the society. Don't you ever dare displaying your closeness and affection with persons around you. Do you remember how Richard Gere was criticized while he tried to smooch Shilpa Shetty?

Here above, I tried to give you some hints about how different societies have their own codes of conduct and they function according to their millennial and deep-rooted rules and regulations.

Next, when we talk about decency we expect to find it in every learned person. But, alas most of them have not an ounce of it. Look at the martial arts Tae kwon do competition. The South Koreans if they are the referees they never o never grant the gold medal to any other person other than a Korean, but in Judo Japanese now do not mind discerning gold to other deserving foreigners, what a change in mindset? There are some editors in Nepal they deliberately introduce errors in writings of op-eds, I don't know why. That's called lack of decency.

Especially in Nepal if some of you could study in English medium Boarding Schools until the twelfth grade, could possess a solid basic knowledge about politeness and good conduct in the society.

But those who deliberately spit on pavements and urinate on trees along the roadsides must be warned first, if not like in Singapore they should be put behind bars for some time, if need be.


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LATEST ISSUE
638
(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)


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