After the roaring success of the Miss Aryan pageant, this week it was Mr Hill Handsome. The donkey's congratulations to fellow beauties Upendra Kumar Ban for being crowned with the BF Dear Hill Handsome 2010 Tiara as well as the first and second runners-up, Dipendra Karki and Bikranta Shrestha respectfully. Winners all get six packs each of Fair & Handsome Cream (Slogan: "Come to us if you think life is unfair and ugly.")

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And there are two groups short-listed for this week's Only in Nepal Knock-out Tournament: petro-tanker operators and astrologers. Oil tanker drivers who bring diesel and petrol from the Indian refinery in Barauni to the oil storage depot at Amlekhganj have been in the habit of siphoning off 250 litres from every tanker and passing that off as "evaporation loss". At current prices that means the tanker tycoons are creaming off Rs 20,000 for every ferry. Which is why the Ass wants to know why anyone would want to work for a living in this country. Anyway, Nepal Oil Corruption sends an investigation team down there and it recommends that tanker drivers can't steal 250 litres anymore. So what do the tankeristas do? What they have always done: threaten to stop the supply of gas to the capital. And what does the government do? It gives in to the demand by the oil mafia to be allowed to keep stealing.

And that brings us to our telly-astrologers who provide citizens with valuable forecasts and answer queries from viewers across Nepal. These hourly fortune telling programs are some of the highest rated in the land. Now, our astrologers are facing strong competition from Indian futurists who apparently have a much better track record for accurate astrological forecasts, even better than their meteorological forecasts. Our soothsayers are understandably incensed that they are losing their following among the domestic audience. They have threatened an agitation unless the cable operators block Indian horoscope programs, failing which they will stop their own astrology programs on Nepali channels. You don't need an Asstrologer to prophesise what will happen next.

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Next year is Visit Nepal Year, but it is also the year of the National Census. But animal rights groups in Kathmandu have pre-empted the human census by announcing a dog census in the capital this week. All canines in Dogmandu have registered themselves, giving details such as breed, age, owner's caste and ethnicity, number of litters, and sexual preference, if any. A dog census has never been carried out before, and the donkey's guess is that these three sons of bitches (pictured inside Singha Darbar this week) were not counted.

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Here is a Press Release just faxed to us from the Afadol Bumps Samiti:

When some time ago the President visited our neighbourhood, Afaldol, to open a Ram Temple, we were very excited. That changed when his security people decided to remove the speed bumps we were ever so proud of. We have no idea what His Excellency's staff were thinking: how can the bumps be a security issue? Were they worried the President would bump his head when driving down our lane? Is the man too delicate to deal with a few ups and downs?

Whatever it was, when the President arrived our lane was bump-less. Needless to say the children and dogs of Afaldol now face a security crisis. Bikes zoom through our neighbourhood at a dazzling speed. The primary school at the beginning of the lane especially mourns the loss of the beloved bumps.

Afaldol wants to get its bumps back. We ask the President to give us back our speed breakers before someone gets bumped off. One suggestion for His Excellency: restore the bumps or declare Presidential Rule.

Afaldol Bumps Samiti (Revolutionary)

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And, in conclusion, some headlines you may have missed in this week's papers:

Extinct Frogs Haven't Croaked

Man Jailed for Microwaving Hamster

And you must have all read about the world's youngest dozer operator, the seven-year-old in Dolakha who exhibited his dexterity with a Komatsu to a cheering public. What next, a four-year-old who can fly a Twin Otter?

ass(at)nepalitimes.com