As elections approach, the government has announced a Dasain-style
weeklong hibernation. The idea is to depend on the traditional Nepali habit of playing marathon card games, drinking ourselves unconscious with beer-seer and wine-swine so that electoral violence can be reduced to minima. Can't go around beating up candidates if you are so drunk you can't even stand up straight now can you?
But all governments are spoilsports, and ours is no exception. An April Fool spoof in a highly-respected English daily apparently gave the Election Commission the idea that it should indeed declare the country dry in the final week before voting. No worries, though, we have the whole weekend to stock up on booze-sooze so you can be first past the toast.
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OK, now that we have got the liquidity crisis sorted out, let's move on to the next item on the agenda which is Comrade Laldhoj's assertion that the reds will under no circumstances lose the election. "There is no chance we will lose, it is impossible," he told a campaign rally this week, "which means we won't have to carry out our threat of capturing Narayanhiti if we do." Thank god for that, because Comrade Shock and Awe had us all worried that he was really going to invade India and America if he lost his seat.
The Ass is a bit slow, as you may have noticed by now, which is why it took some time to understand why there was an escalation of electoral violence as soon as the tripartite Maoist-UML-NC talks on seat distribution failed. Hence, UML candidates are having their skulls fractured and bones pulversied--it is all to put pressure on MKN and GPK to agree on PKD's forumla of an electoral bandfand and talmel.
Under this, the NC and the UML would agree to let 16 top Maoist honchos "win" in at least one each of their constituencies as well as obtain at least 25 percent of the seats. Comrade Fearsomeness' tactics seem to have worked because now the talks are on again and the Ass's long ears have picked up signals that a deal is near. Prediction: expect poll violence to die down and a lot of Stalin-style smooching among UML and MLMPP.
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After The Fierce One's Bolero hit six students in Inaruwa last week and triggered moderate-intensity mayhem on the East-West Highway, El Presidente has not just switched to a slick black TATA Safari but has also replaced his driver with his son Prakash. There can be no one as trustworthy as the fruit of one's loins, but Crown Prince Prakash is known to be an erratic driver and has side-swiped quite a number vehicles in Kathmandu because he is distracted by his new business partnership with the scion of an absolute monarchist.
Speaking of which, Kingji has come down from Nagarjun and has been visiting various godmen to figure out what he should do next. They have told him not to worry and he'll remain king for a while longer. Which must be why KG is so cool. But in order to ensure the longevity of the monarchy, one soothsayer advised Kingji to wear beige, turn vegetarian, and "go live near water". Godman meant Singapore, but G thinks Pokhara is also near water and will do.
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Our entire volleyball team absconded in Japan, athletes keep disappearing in Europe, even senior government officers don't return from junkets. But for the first time, Nepalis in the Indian Army have gone AWOL in America. Two soldiers from the 1/1 Gorkha Rifles deserted their Ex Shatrujeet joint training exercises with the 15th Marine Expeditionary Unit at Camp Pendleton in California. Could they have defected to the Maoists and become their deep penetration agents in America?
ass(at)nepalitimes.com
