Many readers from all worldwide nooks and crannies have been writing worried notes to us to ask if it is safe and sound to return to Nepal for the summer holidays during the ongoing annual monsoon season, and if they do, whether they can eat the salad. Because most of the queries have come from highly litigious countries in the western hemisphere, we have consulted our lawyers and now can be brutally frank: no, keep off, leave us alone this monsoon season. And, yes, you can eat the salad.
But if you are determined to return in defiance of our dire warnings then there are a few threats to your personal life and limb that you should know about beforehand:
1. Diaria (no, let me see if I can spell this right) Diarhia.Die-Ria. Diary-ah.Dire-hoohah.Do-re-mi-fa.Diarrhoea (got it). This amusingly spelt affliction is the most frequent cause of morbidity among visitors to Nepal and is the result of an anti-government bacteria that believes in a violent uprising. Just joking. The medical profession has been trying to come to grips with the runs ever since unsuspecting cave-dwelling human beings roamed a place called Neanderthal. Nothing then, or since, has worked. Our only hope now is the legal profession.
That is why, before you embark on your journey to Nepal this month, you adventuresome ones should first carefully check the fine print to see if you are covered by the Warsaw Convention and the appendix contained therein if your itinerary allows you multiple stops in a country other than the country of departure.
Further, His Majesty's Government of the Landlocked Kingdom of Nepal Which Is Situated in Yam-like Fashion between A Rock and a Hard Place (hereinafter referred to as "HMG/N") shall have only limited liability for personal gastric infections of a duration of, and not exceeding, three days and three nights. In such cases, the total arrearage of HMG/N, her government, people and exchequer, shall be of an amount not in excess of Rs 350 per gastroenteritis attack per person per day refundable at the Tribhuvan Intestinal Airport before departure upon submission of a signed affidavit in triplicate from a doctor certified by public notary. (SAARC rate: Rs 250, and children under 12 get in for half.)
This limit on liability is applicable on the part of the nation state in question and any other nation state en route if they are signatories to the Warsaw Convulsion and if it can be proven beyond reasonable doubt that the infection took place outside the sovereign territory and air space of the kingdom of Nepal. In such a case, this liability up to this amount shall depend on the negligence of the nation state in question, especially if it is the Republic of Singapore (hereinafter referred to as "Gumless").
2. The second threat to your personal security comes from rain.
Avoid it. In fact, keeping dry is going to be your foremost preoccupation while here. Luckily for you, large parts of Nepal including the whole of Chitwan District, has been declared dry. But if a sudden shower should catch you and your wife there will be no shortage of people willing to share their umbrellas:
"Why you outstanding? Please come understand with me."
"Oh, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and from my wife's bottom, too."
3. Creepy crawlies. These are blood-sucking invertebrates from the family anarchinidae which includes leeches, rural vampires and airport customs officers. For all three types of blood suckers, there is only one antidote: pepper spray. Bring lots.
