No sooner had Kathmandu's dogs wrapped up their bi-annual mating season (which this year was accompanied by an unprecedented orgy of street violence) than it was the turn of humans to launch their own mass weddings.

I must say that the dogs put on quite a show, and the whole exercise had the atmosphere of a street carnival. At the Patan Durbar Square, tourists paid Rs 250 each for the privilege of watching interesting intercourses at intersections. The Great Himalayan Mating Season is emerging as a major tourist attraction, and the Nepal Tourism Bored (NTB), which is always in hot pursuit of bright ideas, is said to be working on a brochure entitled "Carnivorous Carnivals of Nepal" to distribute at the International Travel Bourse in Berlin next year. The booklet will contain detailed information on the best time to see dogs going all the way, the best places to watch from, and information for photography buffs including most suitable film, shutter speeds, and aperture. It will point out hotels located at strategic vantage points from the comfort of which you can watch the drama unfold in the street below-there is a premium rate for a room at the Hotel de la Patan du Pagoda Pvt Ltd from where the forthcoming four-part special on National Geographic Channel called "How Dogs Do It in Kathmandu" was shot.

As you know, dog mating almost always begins on a full-moon night with a yodelling contest at three in the morning. All this howling may seem pretty pointless to us humans, but it serves as an important audition for choosy female dogs so they can start working on a shortlist of prospective mates. The tenor and timbre of the yowl, as National Geographic tells us, is an indication of strong genes. Well, I don't have to go into the graphic details of what happens next since I have it on good authority that there are underage readers peering over your shoulders even as we speak. But the end result of all this fooling around is that two months later there are millions of genitally modified puppies all over our landlocked Himalayan kingdom.

Canine street fornication may all be very good for our country's budding sex tourism industry, but what is it doing to the morals of our children? As responsible parents, we have a right to be concerned that in the peak season we cannot drive 100 metres without seeing dogs engaged in various stages of congress. Recent conversation inside car:

Little Phanindra in the back seat: "Dad, why are those dogs stuck?"

You: "What? Where? Oh.um.ahem.maybe they ate too much garbage."

LP: "But why would eating garbage make them stuck?"

You: "Oh, I don't know, maybe someone threw away a perfectly good tube of superglue."

LP: "I don't think so. I think they are copulating, I think it is the physical union of male and female genitalia in the act of procreation."

I don't know what filth they teach kids in school these days, but it was not like that in my time. Be that as it may, it is time to turn our attention to human nuptials. There is a national census coming up next year, and it is the duty of all Nepalis to do their bit to make this country great, following our Founding Father's instructions to "go forth and multiply". That is why the Royal Astrologer Mangal Raj Joshi has determined that December and January are the months that humans should also get on with the job of, um, procreating. Since men are from Mars and women are from Venus, Mr Mangal (who, as his name suggests, hails from Mars) has calculated that the heavenly bodies are in right alignment with the Space Station Mir so it is quite safe to tie the nuptial knot. Just don't forget to block all traffic with your marriage processions, and make total drunken asses of yourselves.