You shouldn't believe everything you read in the antinationalist private media these days about government ministers being hopeless and inept. As usual the media is exaggerating.

In actual fact the ministers are all behind the scenes trying hard to be neither seen nor heard. This is a deliberate move on the part of our rulers, since that way the ministers can't make any major mistakes.

If the chances of a decision being fatally flawed are very high, the strategy should be not to make any decisions at all if one can help it. That way nothing can go wrong because for anything to go wrong a decision has to be taken that is not right. Which is why it is a bold and correct decision to be decisively indecisive because the decisions that are finally taken may turn out to be the wrong decisions and detrimental to the nationalist interest.

For example, some blundering fool may suddenly out of sheer boredom take the decision to be decisive which is sure to invite disaster because it most likely will be the wrong decision. Ever since the royal seizure, therefore, it has been decided that under no circumstances is the cabinet to take any decisions about making decisions. It should leave all such decisions to the real decisionmakers who alone have the right to be decisive.

So, the matter of our council of ministers (Motto: 'Who Told You the Buck Stops Here?') being hopeless and inept just doesn't arise. It's an idiot-proof system of governance because our movers and shakers don't move at all and very rarely shake. And to make the system even more failsafe, the cabinet has made the collective decision to sit perfectly still and not utter a single word since it was recently discovered that there is a mole in the cabinet who is feeding sensitive information about major ministerial indecisions to the media.

We have been provided by the aforementioned mole with a copy of the decisions not taken and have decided in the pseudo-nationalist interest to publish and be damned. Here they are:

1. One million more preponed and postponed mobile phones will be added with cell service extended to all 75 districts. However, calls will keep getting cut off until a decision is taken at the highest level.

2. Patching potholes on the 100m section of road to the ministerial quarters at Harihar Bhaban has commenced under the World Bank Road Maintenance Development Project and is expected to be finished in two years. No decision has been made on repaving other roads.

3. The fate of the 15 minutes of Nepali instrumental numbers over the BBC World Service on 103 FM hangs in the balance as the special cabinet committee mandated to decide on the matter ended four months of inconclusive deliberations unable to decide on whether to broadcast Resham Phiriri or Rato Bhaley in that timeslot.

4. The government hasn't decided whether it should be the one to decide to respond to the unilateral ceasefire, and if so what that decision should be. "The decision hasn't been taken on who should decide," clarified the government spokesman with hesitation.

5. According to our mole in heaven, even the Almighty hasn't made up his and/or her mind about what to do with Nepal next. "God is weighing the options," said a celestial spokesperson, "just because he is omnipresent it doesn\'t mean he\'s got it all figured out."