Nepali Times
Under My Hat
Our giardia stockpile


There comes a time in every nation's lifecycle when it needs to seriously think about developing weapons of mass destruction so that it is taken more seriously by the international community and the United Nations. Now that Nepal has overtaken Sierra Leone and Liberia in the global quality of life index and, we hear, will soon catch up with Rwanda, such a time has now arrived.

As we clandestinely go about in this top secret, highly classified, and totally lethal project it is important to keep the international media fully apprised about what we plan to do with our spent fuel rods as soon as we figure that out ourselves.

Our biological weapon of choice is the highly contagious giardiasis bacteria which has successfully deterred many foreign invasions throughout our nation's history. It is still deterring a tourist invasion. Properly deployed in the endoplastic reticulum, it can wreak havoc on the enemy's small intestine and make them think twice about entering Nepal's Toilet-Free Zone. But we haven't publicised this top secret micro-organism quite enough, and as a result all kinds of countries are riding roughshod over us. We should be able to tell them: "Don't ride roughshod over us, you big fat bully, otherwise we will paralyse your command and control system with verbal diarrhoea."

What is more worrying is that we are lagging behind in chemical weapons research, but we do have large stockpiles of lethal pesticides stored behind a high school in Amlekhganj and in a godown a stone's throw away from the Royal Nepal Academy of Scientists and Tehnocrats in Khumaltar. ("Sorry, you're cutting out, say that again. No, sir, we don't want you to throw stones at the stockpiles at the present time, that would be dangerous. All we want you to do is to design an intermediate range ballistic missile launch vehicle and we'll provide the Organophosphate Malathion warhead which will be such a huge deterrent that they won't even think about submerging our border pillars anymore and will promptly sign a Mutual Non-Aggression Pact.")

Many valued readers who are still wide awake will have guessed by now that our role model in this great national endeavour is North Korea, or the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as it is known to its close friends. Ex-mayor Keshab Sthapit went to Pyongyang two years ago to sign a sister city agreement with the North Korean capital and what a lot of benefit we have derived from that healthy sibling rivalry. Impressed by the lack of traffic on Pyongyang's roads, we are proud to say that so far this year we have kept Kathmandu totally traffic-free for 22 days with chukka jams. And we have blown up any milk truck or ambulance that dares defy this order.

A recent KCNA report says a seminar was held in Bhaktapur last week on the occasion of the 10th anniversary of the demise of Great Leader Kim Il Sung who "defeated two imperialisms with his bare hands". The function was organised by the Nepal Institute of Juche Studies, which has been conducting top secret research into The Role of Self-reliance, Self-righteousness and Self-deception in International Relations. Speaking at the occasion, the chairman of the Mutual Non-Aggression Pact said: "We will arm ourselves to our teeth even if we have to go hungry."

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)