It is beginning to worry us in the journalism profession that the press gets bad press. Without beating the bush around it would be fair to assert with cautious optimism that in certain quarters the media has, ummm, a public relations problem; or to put it more politely: people hate our guts.

It is not true that we are self-important mercenaries, holier-than-thou hypocrites, preachy bigots, annoying and morally repugnant nosey parkers, smug and arrogant hacks who hunt in packs. In fact, we are much worse, and if you have any problems with that, well, tough. Our image problem starts with Hollywood movies in which reporters are invariably portrayed as if they are a shoal of pet piranhas-the kind which can nibble off in under six seconds a heavily armed baddie thrown into a swimming pool-sized aquarium by James Bond. What only few people know is that Hollywood uses actual real-life piranhas acting as journalists for those scenes. (Director: "Lights. Camera. OK, fishies, now just be yourselves. Action.")

Blaming the messenger, of course, is not a new phenomenon. Genghis Khan was known for his crackdowns on the freedom of press with his draconian Public Security Regulation which was vehemently opposed by every human rights organisation worth its salt east of Samarkand. Legend has it that whenever an inquisitive newsperson during the regular five o'clock press conference at the Hack & Yeti asked Gen Genghis a particularly embarrassing question like: "Mr Conqueror, we have learnt from unusually reliable sources that you personally received kickbacks from a Manchurian horse trader for the supply of cavalry chargers. Would you care to elaborate?" Genghis Khan would fudge it: "Yes, it has come to our notice that some of the horses may kick back, but in the heat of battle that is not something completely unknown. Next question." After the press conference, Genghis would gift the muckraking investigative reporter a suckling piglet, and that would be the end of the story.

Journalism has, of course, moved away from such crude and ruthless methods of controlling information. Today, we live in an Age of Information Technology which means that modern newspersons belonging to at least two genders exercise much greater self-confidence, self-esteem and self-censorship. The Ministry of Non-information and Doublespeak has made it abundantly crystal-clear that journalists should not make anything up-except during a national emergency. This rule will henceforth be strictly enforced so that if any domestic or international hack is caught red handed spreading the truth during a national crisis the punishment will be that they will be sent to a school of piranhas for a crash course on journalistic ethics.