The Swazis are on the right track. They have just banned sex, and according to a Reuters News Agency dispatch datelined Sheselweni, those violating the edict will be slapped a fine of one cow to be paid by each of the perpetrators. Now, why didn't we think of that one before? However, let me quickly add that we should not despair because it is never too late to start. It is true that under certain circumstances and the under the right weather conditions, the early bird has been known to get the worm, but it is also true what they say: if you are a bird get up early, if you are worm, sleep late.

In our own case, His Majesty's Government needs to get the Ministry of Copulation and Livestock to gird its lions like Swaziland has done, and in one deft stroke throw two stones at one bird to solve our country's population explosion while at the same time reinvigorating the dairy industry.

Like Nepal, Swaziland is also a landlocked kingdom sandwiched like a stone between two yams. And as with Nepal, the Swazi human population is racing to keep up with the kingdom's livestock numbers. For the moment, according to Reuters, Swaziland's sex ban only applies to interaction programmes between humans, but we gather it may soon be extended to cattle and goats.

There is of course the slight problem of enforcement, and Swaziland, which we are told is the only absolute monarchy in Africa, has solved this ingeniously by (what else?) passing an executive order. That should do the trick. But although such a decree may work among the law-abiding Swazis, it will be more difficult to implement a ban among freedom-loving Nepalis who cherish and value the basic human right to have not infrequent interaction programmes in full office attire.

Considering that our national parliament could not conduct its regular business for two months because Niki Lauda kept interrupting, and MPs against land reform resorted to gheroing the podium and indulging in oral brickbats while the prime minister spoke, you can imagine the kind of wild scenes that will greet a Sex-Ban Bill in parliament.

We can only speculate at present which parties will be against the proposed ban, but it is my educated guess that it will be the same people who opposed the draconian Armed Police Force Ordinance and brought the house down in the process. But it must be stressed that an anti-sex legislation alone is not going to be enough to enforce celibacy in this country. Not even the deterrence of the penalty of two cows per couple is going to stop people from hanky panky, they can just round up the cattle from the herd that is always sunning itself on Narayan Gopal Chowk every weekday at rush hour. Something more cunning needs to be done. We must outwit the people if we are serious about national abstinence.

What? Can't hear you.you're not serious. Send all Nepali interlocutors to Swaziland and feed them to the lions?