Nepali Times
Under My Hat
National security no laughing matter - govt.


The news this week of an Austrian spy plane intruding into Nepali air space should send a chill down every ultra-nationalistic spine and give all patriots goose pimples.

Luckily, alert air traffic controllers noticed a blip on the radar that shouldn't have been there and quickly swatted it, thinking it was a common house fly (Latin name: Musca domestica Linnaeus) sitting on the scope. Only then did they realise it was not a fly but an unidentified flying object encroaching in an unauthorised manner into our sovereign air space and terrorising our territorial integrity.

The Royal Nepali Air Farce was immediately scrambled from its base in Tumlingtar and the jet intercepted in midair somewhere over the eastern sector, warning shots were fired according to accepted international procedures, and then the plane was forced to land at Kathmandu airport. When commandos stormed the plane they found eight spies on board all bristling with antennae. The crew gave the laughable explanation that they wanted to "see Mt Everest up close" to hide their true mission and were immediately packed off for interrogation at the Rum Doodle Bar.

Our fearless air traffic controllers deserve the highest medals in the land, but the lesson from this close-shave is that we can't be too vigilant in safeguarding our national security during these perilous times when tensions are running high with the international community. It is time to remember the high school Boy Scout motto ("Be Prepared") and be vigilant about future threats.

I have offered my services as a security consultant (free of cost in the national interest) and after a thorough appraisal of our current security scenario have come up with the following list of top-secret recommendations which are totally off the record and are published below on condition that readers don't pass them on to any suspicious looking foreigners, especially Austrians still lurking around Tumlingtar.

For your eyes only:

. Our northern border is protected by high mountains, but our open border to the south is easy to infiltrate which is why we need to make an East-West Moat. All we need to do is ask the Indians to construct more embankments to submerge our tarai.
. RONAST should immediately begin plutonium enrichment at a secret reactor at Khumaltar. Experience in North Korea and Iran have shown that the only thing that will force the international community to take us more seriously is to have our own secret nuclear weapons program.
. The Nepali landmass is under constant surveillance from spy satellites, all VIPs should therefore be careful about walking about in broad-daylight where their movements can be monitored. They should wear wraparound sunglasses to disguise themselves.
. The Cabinet Room could have miniature microphones hidden under the table so the Council of Ministers should refrain from discussing anything of national importance at cabinet meetings. They should also not discuss any state secrets at home since there may be bed bugs.
. The international moratorium on arms supplies is of serious concern. So all incoming passengers are henceforth allowed to bring lethal weapons. Non-lethal weapons will not be permitted.
. We are doing a great job keeping our highways blocked by landslides, trees, blown-up bridges to thwart enemy invasion. But more needs to be done, there are still some cargo trucks plying the East-West Highway.
. By now we have amply demonstrated that this country is ungovernable. And that is the greatest deterrent of all, why would anyone in his right mind even want to attack us?

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)