Those of you who have prematurely extirpated the lint that had gathered in your respective bellybuttons in the period immediately after the declaration of a state of national emergency are understandably concerned about how you are going to conduct your navel exercises during the forthcoming Five-day National Hibernation next week. I had warned you about this in a previous column, saying save some lint for a rainy day. But no, we didn't listen did we?

Serves you right. Being former Cub Scouts from the Mountain Goat Troop (Troop Oath: "Mountain Goat, Mountain Goat, Ra Ra Ra! Mountain Goat, Mountain Goat, Ba Ba Ba! We are the Mountain Goats, Hurrah!") many of us Tenderfoots were trained to navigate in the forest by following squirrel droppings, we practiced tying various kinds of knots with our kerchiefs, we know how to salute with only three fingers, and we adhere strictly to the Cub Scout motto: "It is not advisable to be unprepared sometimes."

So, as the nation approaches the crossroads of history, we have to ask ourselves: Are we prepared? Do we have the Green Light? Unfortunately, the answer to both questions is "no". We are not prepared. What bandhobast are we contemplating for ourselves? This worry is well-founded. No doubt about it, we cannot deny without any degree of uncertainty that this may be a conundrum of national proportions. That is why it will be necessary to take the bull by the horns in the china shop, and undertake measures to brainstorm about various ways that we can keep ourselves gainfully employed during the days of National Coma.

Boredom. That is what we have to guard ourselves against. This kingdom is sliding into boredom. It is therefore in the national interest not to be more bored than is absolutely necessary in the forthcoming National Fullstop. Several ideas come to mind to stave off boredom, and with the kind consent of the Secretary General, I would like to share them with some of my valued clients who are still awake:

1. Sleep. This is a state in which an average Nepali's conscious mind ceases to function, and only processes such as breathing and digestion continue. Sleep is essential to mental and physical health, and lack of it can cause a condition known in some circles as "wakefulness". If you are awake for any given period of time, there is a high probability that you will also be bored. So the answer is to go to sleep, and be unconscious for five days. The beauty of sleep is that time goes into fast-forward while you take your extended nap. Before you know it, it will be Saturday. So go ahead, press the "snooze" button.

2. Surgery. Undertake any urgent plastic surgery that you have not had time to attend to because of your busy schedule. This is your opportunity to have that liposuction you have been putting off all these years, or get a chin tuck. It is difficult to think of a more worthwhile way to pass five days than to emerge at the end of them 15 years younger! Some of the more ambitious among you may even want to have that long-awaited sex change operation, in which case you will emerge five days later feeling like a New Man.

3. Meditation. Escape from the mundane world of the struggle of the global proletarian revolutionaries against western fascist lackey imperialist running dogs and reactionary bourgeois bloodsuckers by going into hibernation at the Vipassana Meditation Centre at Shivapuri for a five-day crash course. Take it from me: meditation will anaesthetise you against the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and you won't feel a thing afterwards. (This is the actual real-life phone number for the Vipassana Centre: 223968.) You're welcome.

4. Emigrate. To New Zealand and join the Cub Scouts.