Jane Fonda may claim that she discovered the after-office work-out, but we know it for a fact that it was actually the great Indian stato-dynamic human yoga guru, Yogi Matsyendranath, (cca 2,585 BC), who perfected the art of tying oneself into knots. This unique method of relaxing mind and body entails entwining one's left leg through one's right leg and pulling out the left leg to make a loop around one's neck until it is held tightly in position with the help of one's right arm, while one slips one's left arm through the gap between the legs to emerge in the vicinity of one's solar plexus to reach a particularly inaccessible itch on one's right shoulder blade. Little to the left, down a bit, some more to the right. Yesssss.

That was just the warm-up. Now, take your right toe and, after disinfecting it with a wet wipe, stick it into your left ear lobe and while standing in the Tree Position take your right index finger and thumb and pinch your nostrils to see how long you can hold your breath before you for all intents and purposes, die.

Then crouch like a tiger and, while pretending to be a hidden dragon, leap up into the air and try to touch the ceiling with your kundalini. Very good, now let's try that with your left toe and right ear lobe. Sorry, can't hear you. I see, you're stuck in the ceiling fan. OK, let's attempt this manoeuvre to get you down by twisting this little knob here on the wall to full intensity.

See what I mean? Our ancestors developed these simple but effective techniques to keep body and soul ship shape, and we have ignored them as we passed ourselves down from generation to generation to the post-Industrial Age. In these stressful times, it is important for each and every one of us to rediscover these simple ways to keep our bodies nimble and our ear lobes beautiful. After all, as Confucius say: A good body is a devil's workshop. And who doesn't want to have Satan's gluteus maximus-especially when it is accompanied by that cute tail with a cursor arrow at the tip.

Time and tide waits for no man. So it is important for us to learn to improvise. Many of Sri Matsyendranath's techniques are a bit, shall we say, outmoded and in fact may get us into trouble in this day and age. What if, god forbid, we are running late for work, and we cannot unknot ourselves from the Bow and Arrow Position (grab both your ankles firmly with both your hands while lying flat on your stomach, and pull your legs over your back like a scorpion so that your abdomen is curved in a convex shape, make it tighter and tighter until you hear a few ribs snap, or until you begin rolling across the floor like a rocking chair, whichever comes first. Children! Never try this trick without adult supervision. Never).

The problem with this position is that you cannot let go of your ankles without the danger of your abdomen suddenly snapping back into its equilibrium position with a loud bang that will rattle window-panes in a 3 km radius. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to call the bomb disposal squad which will untie you without harming any vital organs.

Since this is a national emergency, it may be much better for the next three months to stick to the time-tested Cobra and Peacock Position, which will not put any life and/or limb in danger. Better still, try lying straight on your back, head and arms limp, eyes closed and playing dead. This is called the Cadaver Position.