Nepali Times
Under My Hat
The mother of all inventions


As a card-carrying nabob of negativism and a chronic cynic, it is difficult for this scribe to see non-existent silver linings on alleged clouds because usually pessimistic sources have just told us on condition of complete anonymity that the sky is about to fall anyway.

However, stung by recent criticism that I am habitually putting down the accomplishments of Nepalis from all walks of life, I have vowed now never to make fun again of the great strides taken by this country in the field of high technology research and development. My Nepal Era New Year Resolution this week is to make amends and recognise the tremendous achievements of our young scientists as they push the frontiers of science.

Nepalis are today going boldly forth where no Nepali has gone before, and this includes to the Federated States of Micronesia.
The best example of Nepalis dazzling the world is the news published in a national daily on Monday (right) of an eighth grader named Biraj who has designed a Three-stage, Booster-assisted, Laser-tracking, Heat-seeking, Sub-orbital, Semi-guided Launch Vehicle with a 50 Kiloton Automatic Nuclear Ultra-warhead capable of flattening an area of 27,000 sq km. Let me take a moment here to pay tribute to the intrepid investigative journalist who brought this news to the attention of the Nepali public, thereby restoring our confidence in this country's glorious future, and to show that if we all pull together there is nothing to stop us from being a pariah nation that is feared and respected by all.

The Royal Nepal Academy for Science and Technology (RONAST), which has always shown exemplary open-mindedness to new ideas, has passed on this Star Wars invention to its Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Research Division, and will soon be giving 15-year-old Biraj permission to use the Army's missile test range in Rohini Bhanjyang.

Moving swiftly along, Prime Minister Sher Bahadur Deuba and senior members of his cabinet took a couple of hours off their strategy meetings in preparation for talks with Maoist guerrillas on Monday, to meet the inventor in a secure bunker inside Baluwatar where the decision seems to have been taken that Nepal should pursue its research into a Missile Defence Shield and weapons of mass destruction.

The Prime Minister is also extremely concerned about Biraj's security in this age of international terrorism, and has instructed that the young scientist be given 24-hour security to prevent al-Qaeda operatives from kidnapping him. We cannot let such sensitive technology get into the wrong hands.

Since this last report came out, we have also learnt that RONAST has been secretly involved in other areas of high-technology applications. Documents leaked to us show:

- The Royal Nepal Navy has already designed and built a prototype nuclear-powered submarine which has undergone high-speed, hot-pursuit trials in Begnas Lake.

- Nepal's space programme suffered a set-back when the countdown for the launch of our nation's first hunter-killer satellite (codename: Dandi-Biu 1-B) from the summit of Mt Everest had to be called off at the last minute as word came from Paris that a minister had just sold off our geostationary Indian Ocean orbital slot a private company.

- Our labs have bred a genetically modified Turbo Yam endowed with a xylem that allows the super tuber not to be restricted in its growth by stones to the north or south.

- Our researchers haven't forgotten consumer electronics, and in an effort to automate every facet of national life, they are presently conducting field trials of a laser-guided precision nostril hair plucker that can also multi-task as an ear wax excavator and a belly-button lint remover. (Especially useful for civil servants who don't have much to do in their orifices between the festivals.)

(11 JAN 2013 - 17 JAN 2013)