What is this country coming to? Do I now have to bribe you to read this column, or what?

However, since it has now been established through several readership polls that no one is actually reading this stuff, guess I can get away with writing the most outrageous stuff about the pillars of our society, of which at last count there were four. So here goes: BEEEEEP is a monkey, the BEEEEP is an ass and so are the other BEEEEPs in the BEEEP, the LONG BEEEEEEP and ANOTHER EVEN LONGER BEEP are a bunch of @$$%*/+&s.

Thank Pashupatinath that the press is still independent in this country and freedom of expressionism is guaranteed by our constitution, otherwise I would not be allowed to make the aforementioned x-rated comments in full view of all you underage readers out there. It is a matter of national pride that the Nepali press can get away with such slanderous libel without denting its credit rating. This is proof, if proof is still required by the international community, that democracy in Nepal is still, if not alive and kicking, then at least crawling around on all fours with its tail wagging between its legs.

With those formalities now out of the way, and with permission from Madam Chairperson, I would now like to turn to the next item on the agenda, which is the economic crisis triggered by a joint pledge made by top Nepali businessmen last week in which they solemnly swore (in language that is unprintable in a newspaper that is also read by minors) that, as a part of their belt-tightening and cost-cutting efforts, companies will henceforth not be able to offer any more bribes to government officials and politicians.

An emergency meeting of the Cabinet on Wednesday looked at various ways in which the government could deal with this unexpected development that removes one of the most efficient methods so far devised to spread the wealth around. The no-bribe policy by business has already lead to a serious shortfall in revenue for officials, and has set off a snowball effect on consumer spending, forcing the Finance Ministry to revise its premature announcement of an annual GDP growth rate of 4 percent drastically downwards.

Officialdom now has no recourse but to announce an escalating agitation beginning in the new year starting with a dot pen-down strike at all offices, a sit-down strike at the gates of FNCCI, culminating on a relay hunger strike at their places of work which will entail officials foregoing their afternoon tea break on alternate working days. If that doesn't prompt businessmen from lifting their ban on bribes, then may Pashupatinath save us all.
What? The bhattas are on strike?