Now that the clouds have cleared, any laymen among you gazing up at the night sky lately will have noticed that the moon is passing into the seventh house, Jupiter is aligned with Mars, and we are living in the Age of Aquarius. This is irrevocable proof, if proof is still needed, that another mating season is soon going to be upon us. It is therefore incumbent upon every Nepali of reproductive age and above to prepare to go forth boldly where many Nepalis have gone before, and begin preparing to tie the nuptial knot of holy matrimony as fast as it is physically possible. On your mark, get set, go! And they're off. There is, however, a slight problem. As we know from the observations of Frank Sinatra: woman needs man, and man must have his mate-that no one can deny. But how on earth will they know that they are made for each other if (as we know from the observations of the astronomer Copernicus) women are from Venus and men are from Mars? Won't they miss each other in the vast rocky maze of the Asteroid Belt?
This is a question that has bedevilled Man from the end of the last ice age when our hunter-killer forbears emerged from their prehistoric caves in the vicinity of the Tora Bora mountains wearing nothing but prehistoric thermal underwear made from the chest hair of baby woolly mammoths, and were quickly apprehended at the Khyber Pass for trying to smuggle shatoosh hidden in their prehistoric crevices.
I guess what I am trying to say here is: when does she know he is Mr Right? How does she figure out that, in the first place, he is the right species? OK, say for the sake argument he is the right species, how does she, in this day and age, know he is he right gender? Or have the right girth, the right length, the right chemistry? How can she be sure he will pass the Lifting-the-toilet-seat Test on wedding night? How does she know he does not snore, or conduct navel manoeuvres while slurping bed tea? How does she know he does not practice animal husbandry?
Since there are so many things that can go wrong in an arranged marriage, the selection criteria are very important. This is where the newly-set up "Browse \'n' Wed" cyber-matrimonials come in very handy with their thumbnails of partner-to-be. Some helpful recent entries:
SCION of well-reputed, nationalistic mafia don who has been in the smuggling business for generations, father drawing six-figure income from fuel adulteration, eight-figure income from illegal brick kilns, and ten-figure income from encroaching on public land seeks latest-model, homely, innocent, tall, slim, fair, clean, boarding-educated, broad-minded girl for immediate induction into household. Women are encouraged to apply.
NEW HUSBAND needed for polyandrous, well-endowed, thrice-married, ex-beauty queen with Green Card and Western Outlook. Candidate must be human male, currently unemployed, be willing to clean dishes and take care of two ex-husbands, be undemanding, ask no questions and expect no answers. Guaranteed annual home leave, Dasain bonus, overtime and other perks. May be made permanent after three-month probation period if he can sing like Frank Sinatra.
